Rabblerousers
by KoshKing777
Summary: As Sora falls deeper into a dangerous state of self-loathing, Riku proposes to Kairi and Prince John enlists the trio into the defense force of Nottingham. Rated T for Innuendo coming off the wall.
1. Only Solitaire

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Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, the realm/movie/characters/anything-associated-with-Robin-Hood, or the Rolling Stones' song 'Suck on the Jugular.

A/N: A story I was randomly inspired to write. It was originally going to be one looong chapter, but I thought I'd cut it in half, just for y'all's enjoyment! ;)

Also, I'd like to point out the unique tense of the story: characters' thoughts are present tense, and the actual events occurring are past tense…I tried several different tenses throughout my drafts of the story, and this one seemed the most natural, so I just went with it.

Also…the characters behave quite strangely (for them) in this fic. I tried to explain what happened to cause this in the story but…it might be a little surprising.

Lastly, let me just point out that the story changes points of view fairly irregularly, in a Sora/Kairi/Riku/Sora/Kairi/Riku cycle…I apologize if this is jarring in any way.

Now, let the amazingness take place!!

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KoshKing777's

Rabblerousers

(_Sora's POV_)

Tonight was my close buddy Wakka's birthday party (more like a hoedown though, if you know what I mean), but I couldn't help but feel supremely pissed off, so much so that whenever I spoke it sounded like grinding metal, and when I breathed my throat burned with pure rage.

Why is it that I find myself in this pathetic state? I mean, I've fought off hundreds, no, THOUSANDS, of Heartless, Nobodies, and wicked men and women throughout my long eighteen years, so you'd think I'd have learned to fight off or suppress some stupid emotions. But no such luck.

My red-rimmed eyes turned down and gazed upon the thumping bonfire party, but the only thing I can see is that red-haired angel standing shyly by the fire, her glittering eyes and melting smile illuminated by the orange glow. Kairi…there's never been anyone as breathtakingly perfect as her, and there never will be again. Every time I look at her, my throat falls into my feet as I realize I'm nowhere near close enough to being good enough for her.

Unfortunately, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I could see Riku, dancing in a pair of ridiculous water moccasins, being a general hog of all the attention and being…well, fun, to be around. The loser.

But I could see where his eyes point to. It's like he is ALWAYS looking, even if there are three or four people between him and her. The rabid, only barely-leashed want for her body, his near-drooling lust for her smooth, tan neck…it's too much for me to bear.

And so I'm up here nearly 500 feet away from the party. With a headache. Shooting off fireworks (which, trust me, is doing wonders for said headache) that I volunteered to dedicate to Wakka's "awesomeness." Well, I _am _the only one who can easily shoot fire, but…

"FIRAGA!" I screamed in a hoarse voice after I got another bolt of missiles into place, which ripped up through the dense atmosphere of the destiny islands and exploded in a mastodonic array of prisms, tetrahedrons, and rainbow beams of light.

The crowd "OOOHED" and "AHHED" appreciatively, but it would have been more fitting to my mood had they just booed instead. Then I might have felt like one of them. Felt…eligible to pretend to know how they think, and go through life.

My soul has been run through a garbage disposal one too many times. Whatever potential for joy and love of life I once had is now completely shredded and mangled, and it takes all my energy just to fake a smile, or force a joke.

I lit another one off and collapsed on the sand, grappling and squeezing a handful in bitterness.

It's not that I didn't try to flirt with Kairi back when Riku and I first returned to Destiny Islands. I did, but you can hardly bring yourself to look at (let alone talk to) someone when their sheer presence and state of sweet perfection incarnate is enough to make you want to fall face-down on the floor and worship them forever. I would gladly give my life to save her, and I would be happy just to be able to worship her like Riku does constantly with his eyes. I could give her more adoration and love than anyone…

But she's made it clear that she's not interested in the slightest. If I did bow down and kiss her feet like I have longed to ever since I saw her again in the World That Never Was, then ALL my friends would laugh at me (including Riku), and I would make her supremely uncomfortable, so all the love I'd have lauded on her would be lost in the denial.

After I returned six months ago, when we would get alone together, things always were full of that sucky air of awkwardness, and she would always bring up Riku. I could see the light in her eyes change whenever she mentioned his name…and I knew it meant she saw something special in him. Something she would never grace me with.

I looked down in despair at the party, and saw Kairi immediately turn her full, gorgeous eyes up to my resident hill and look at me. My breath hitched, and I just-as-immediately tore my gaze away. She just wants me as a friend, like the little brother I know she's always seen me as. But how could I live my life in that role, when all I feel for her is pure, unblemished love in the most uncontrollable sense. My mouth started to water as I pictured her in my arms, gazing at me like she always looks at Riku. When I know that she would deny me just as soon as I open my mouth, it's so much easier just to remain alone and aloof.

I fell backwards onto the sand, and a gust of breath was knocked out of my lung. What I would give for just one sign, just one bone from her…I know that broken dreams is how I got in this state in the first place, but at this point…dreaming is the only way I can get by day-to-day.

"Yo, Sora!" a deep, bullfrog-like voice bellowed from immediately over me.

"AARRRGGH!!" I roared in horror, leaping about ten feet in the air and hovering there with my totally baller Peter Pan powers.

There, on the hillside beside my corpse-shaped mark in the sand, are Wakka and Selphie, grinning stupidly.

"Oh," I said, grinning sheepishly and descending again to the ground. "Eh…I thought you were…something…else?" I tried explaining.

Wakka laughed loudly, clutching his muscular belly. "It seems so, my man!"

Selphie stepped forward, dressed only in a VERY flimsy lime green bikini (with even flimsier white polka-dot panties on…they seemed a bit crusty or soggy, actually) and poked me on the arm with a grin. "Some good job YOU'RE doing with the fireworks, Sora!"

"Oh my God, I'm sorry! I just got lost in my thoughts up here…" I said wide-eyed, feeling terrible for ruining the mood of Wakka's birthday party.

"I'm just kidding," she said, grinning winningly (or at least it would have been winning were she remotely attractive). "C'mon down to the party, we feel sorry for you missing out on all the fun!"  
I started to shake my head and respond, but Wakka clamped a huge-ass hand on my shoulder and said, "Bro! You've been so uptight all month! This is the perfect chance to get down with your bad self. EVERYBODY'S stinking drunk, man! C'mon!"

I felt heat rise to my cheeks and looked down at the party again. It DID sound like fun, but…my eyes immediately clung to the astral girl of my dreams, and I again felt like total crap. If I felt this thrown away up here, then I'd feel even worse were she ignoring me when I was down there IN person! Being near her now…would be more than my shredded heart could take.

"I…can't…" I whispered. "I'm sorry guys, but…"

"It's Kairi, isn't it," Selphie said knowingly.

"WHAT?!" I said, jolted out of my moping. Was it that obvious to everyone? And if so…why was Kairi still ignoring every single move I make? Clearly she just didn't feel the same way about me…

"Aw Sora, c'mon, you can admit it to me! You're just jealous of Riku and her's relationship!" Selphie said, fluttering her eyes (which only served to fuel my anger).

"R-relationship?" WHAT?! Since when?!..well, that would explain why she's letting him throw his arm around her and hug her and cough grind her leg…

"That's right bro! Since you've been moping around on other islands all week, you missed when Riku asked her out earlier!" Wakka said. "Man you should have seen it, he took her out on waverunners and…"

"SORA DOESN'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT THAT!" Selphie snapped at the birthday boy. I felt a sudden increase in chemistry between us. She whirled around, her sticky, dirty hair hanging heavily behind her head. "Listen, it's perfectly understandable that you'd be jealous about that! I mean, Kairi's a great girl!" I nodded dumbly. "And YOU lost your CHANCE!" She said, thrusting her finger in my chance. Okay, chemistry's gone bye-bye now…

"So it's only natural that you'd be jealous," Selphie finished, looking satisfied.

"Well of course! Kairi's got the hottest bod in all of the Destiny Islands put together!" Wakka proclaimed, earning a mean glare from both me and Selphie.

Selphie turned back to me. "But it's not like they're married yet or anything!" I flinched at the thought. "You can still break them up and be with her, I know you like her!"

"No, I can't, I…look, if she really liked me, she would have never started dating Riku in the first place! For all I know, she can't stand me! What do you want me to do about it?" I congratulated myself on this point; after all, I know that nearly everyone on these islands is better-looking, smarter, and happier than me, and I'm perfectly fine with that fact.

"Dude, make her wanna dig the Sora man!" Wakka said encouragingly. I raised an eyebrow. Right, like that was gonna happen. Me and all my mad skill with the ladies…riiight.

"Oh Sora, you're so DUMB!"

"LOOK! I appreciate you coming up here to, to…INSULT me!" I snapped at them, and blasted off another firework in anger. The retarted crowed applauded it again. "…but I'm NOT going to like Kairi anymore, I've decided. (snort, fat chance of that happening) I'm going to get over her, as she's so clearly gotten over me. That's (my voice cracked majestically)…that's the only way I can ever get over this mess…or get on with my life…"

Wakka and Selphie shared a look.

"But that doesn't mean…I'm not coming down to the party with y'all," I said with a sad smile. I couldn't keep living like this…I had to learn to let go of the past, of both Riku and Kairi…I simply had to believe that somehow, somewhere, there was hope for me to go on with life.

They both grinned. "Buuut, one problem?" I asked.

"Ya?"

"Um…my wardrobe isn't exactly…what we're goin' for down there."

Selphie grinned. "C'mon, we can help you out of that!" She gyrated her hips rather sensually. "See? I'm just wearing underwear myself!"

I sighed in happiness, feeling a weight lift off my heart. Maybe these two could replace Riku and Kairi..? As I started to undo the plethora of zippers on my black outfit, Selphie started to come over and help, but I sent her a look that I hoped said, "Keep your horny hands off me!"

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

I like Wakka and all, but in all seriousness, this party is pretty out-of-control. Even for one thrown by the self-proclaimed 'party-meister' himself. Weird, spacey, and even a little creepy funk was blasting through Tidus's stereo system, inspiring all of the drunken teenagers (and sigh preteens) to dance around and proceed to have all sorts of creative varieties of dry sex all over each other.

Including my simply scintillating (sarcastic, mind you) new boyfriend, Riku, who is quite literally the life of the party, bouncing around off other people and having an apparently amazing time. He'll be feeling that one in the morning, and if it's not cuz of a hangover, I'll give him hurt that'll last even longer…

Sigh… What am I saying? I love Riku. He's totally sexy and sly in that addictive basic way. And he's been nothing but a total gentleman to me ever since he came back from the darkness with Sora.

Sora…

For the whole time that Sora and I were separated, I did nothing but dream of him and hope he was still alive…I never doubted that he would fulfill his promise and join me again.

And he did keep it, in a sense…he came back, and everyone's in one piece still. But, something's noticeably different in him. I pictured us quickly becoming good friends again (I never really let myself hope we would get together; he had never shown any indication that he had feelings for me before).

Instead, Sora has hardly looked at me twice, and whenever he does, he has this terrible condescending look in his eyes, like he completely despises me for some reason. That's the part that hurts the worst…I know that he treats everyone like that now, and prefers the company of the unexplored islands miles off coast, where he camps out on magnificent vistas and the like (during one of our few conversations together, he showed me a few photos; I hinted that I would like to come with him sometime, but he just blew me off).

I have no idea what's happened between us, but it's starting to slowly kill me. Ever since I moved here in my childhood, Sora was the only one there for me, but now…he's completely cut off himself from me and the rest of the world. I need my daily dose of Sora, dammit! (Not literally, of course…not that I would be complaining, cough)

And so here I am, manning the champagne table (which mostly involves me drinking all of it) and giving my boyfriend a look of utmost derision (I hope…it's hard to control your facial expressions when you're as hammered as I am). I have to admit, three years ago, I would have never seen Riku being this outgoing. His year in a crusty old man's body must have helped him realize the sanctity of life or something like that…cuz at the rate he's spending it now, he'll only live for about, oh, ten more years, I'd wager. God, that was a terrible thing to say about my best friend…wait, I mean boyfriend! Damn champagne!

In fact, my two best guy buds seem to have entirely traded personalities; Sora's all bad-ass now (which adds to his sexiness, but clearly detracts from his ability to stand me), and Riku's a girly extroverted moron. Never saw that one coming, didja?

All of a sudden, I noticed those mind-boggling fireworks (designed by my boyfriend; eat _that,_ sucka!) had stopped being shot off entirely!

As the champagne made me snicker dim-wittedly at the realization of such thoughts, Sora himself suddenly showed himself, accompanied by Wakka in his soggy swim trunks and Selphie in her self-prostitution garb. My jaw nearly hit the floor, but I quickly recalled it.

Sora, the single most gorgeous man I have ever known, was TAKING his CLOTHES off!

I'd never seen something so heart-flutteringly incredible; Sora gracefully uncoiled his assortment of zippers and curved his muscular shoulders out of his clothes.

I blushed terribly and looked away, taking another long sip. I felt SO angry right then…angry at Sora for taking his clothes off for a drunken party, and without any regard for my feelings (he should have only taken them off for me…sigh in a perfect world, anyway)…and also guilty, for the chain reaction of thoughts of adoration his perfectly toned body set off in my head. I was his close friend, and that was never likely to change; I had no right to, to want to rape him like I did.

I shivered at the thought. I'm so hopeless…but I can't help it! As Sora descended into the party, immediately collecting all the island folks' fawning gaze, I risked a look at his now only-boxer clad form. WOW! Never again would I ever think another person was hot in the slightest; Riku is sexy, but Sora is BUILT like a BULLDOZER!!  
Dammit Kairi, stop thinking such dirty thoughts! I smacked my forehead with my hand repeatedly in punishment, trying to banish the thoughts that I know Sora would be offended by if he could hear them. He'd probably see it as nearly incest, since he's always treated me like a sister.

I half-covered my eyes and looked back up at him, and he hadn't even paid me any attention; he had promptly started dancing QUITE distractingly to the Rolling Stones' Suck on the Jugular, which was blaring out of Wakka's massive subwoofer, which he had selflessly lent to the occasion. Before you could say "Wow, I should probably tap that," girls attacked him, dancing around him like a bunch of drunken retards (who's to say they aren't?) and taking their time grinding his legs provocatively, seeming to enjoy every second of it.

"HEY Kairi!" Riku exclaimed, appearing out of nowhere and dancing over to me.

For the first time all night, I was glad to see him. His gorgeous blue eyes were glittering down at me impishly, his long silver locks painting over his smooth skin. "Hey gorgeous," I responded with a grin, and stood on my tiptoes to give him a quick kiss on the lips. At least…I meant it to be quick…

On impact with those full, pouting lips, my mind completely checked out and I hungrily started making out with him. I had felt so alone moments before, but I know I'll always have Riku…he's so kind, so sweet, and best of all, so flattering!

"Hey Kairi, I must say, of all the girls here, you are far and away the most breathtaking!" he said tenderly, when our lips separated. See?

I blushed and looked away, my heart thumping in my chest like a tom-tom. He pulled me close and started firmly massaging my back, which caused me to moan in appreciation. I knew where this was going from experience, and I must say I didn't mind at the moment. If anyone could give me the proper release, it was this sexy elf!

"It looks like our buddy Sora's having the time of his life," Riku observed astutely as our mutual best friend was getting a lap dance from at least eight girls at the same time.

"You think?" I said wryly. "At least he's finally coming out of his shell."

"HA! You said 'coming!' And coming is what vaginas do during sex!…And THAT reminds me of sex!" Riku proclaimed. (A few months ago, Riku apparently officially decided that sex was hilarious…)

I gave him my much-honed "you're a retard and you should seriously consider castration" look before returned my attention to the thumping party. I honestly don't know why I put up with this joker, except for the looks part.

Riku leaned in and began peppering my exposed neck with kisses, each aching with sublime passion. I gasped as his arms started to reach around…

* * *

(_Riku's POV_)

Oh my god, my girlfriend is hot!!

But that's not why I'm so happy these days, cuz I've been ecstatic almost to the point of copulation ever since we got back. I really miss Mickey, and Sora's only here (mentally OR physically) like a tenth of the time, but just being able to touch the very sand of my childhood again…is enough to make me content for a lifetime.

Every day all I've done is lean back and let the nostalgia soak into my veins. There is NOTHING more soul-soothing than investing in a little celebration in your heart and spirit.

I thought I was dead…I thought I would be permanently deformed, possessed, or driven by darkness. I certainly never thought I'd see my home again in one piece, let alone see my two best friends make it through okay.

But everything turned out better than I could have possibly hoped for, even in my wildest dreams! Now EVERYTHING is a delight, and I don't take ANY moment for granted.

My mind…is finally at peace, and my soul at rest. It's all gooOOOD, yo!

As the party hammered on like the celebratory snare drums of Dionysus himself, I suddenly had one of those huge, uncontrollable urges. You know the kind? It kinda feels like,

I WANT STRAWBERRY SMOOTHIE, DAMMIT!!

Nearly foaming at the mouth and nearly breaking the sound barrier, I streaked over to the cooler-mixer thingamagadgets and took a long drought straight from the dispenser. The sweet strawberry sauce trickled down to my anus, and energized everything in between.

"WOOO-HOOOO!" I announced, and looked around for my flawless beauty, Kairi. She stood off to the side, morosely regarding the party. I couldn't have that, now could I?

There was a reason I had been avoiding my beloved turtle egg all night, and that was…I reached into my pocket and pulled out a small, velvet case. I…have never been more nervous in my life, but I have never been more sure of anything, either.

Kairi is perfect in every sense of the world, and I've wanted her from the moment I first laid eyes on her carefree, succulent breasts.

And said breasts have gotten much bigger in the interim. With huge, saucer-like nipples that I can see right through her tight, white shirt. And they're even better in action! And I know this, cuz I'm her BOYFRIEND!! Ya-hoo!! Take that, fate, you stupid dork!!

Ahem. I'm getting off track.

The point is, I'm going to ask her to marry me, because nothing could make me happier in the whole world. She is the only person I've ever had feelings for, and she just drives me crazy every time she moans into me or sighs at my touch.

I've had this ring for a few days now…but frankly, I have no idea of the time or place to make the proposal. But I know it has to be done, or I just won't be able to live with myself…when I'm with her I feel complete…

The only problem is…Sora. I know he's liked her for a long time (or at least, used to), and so I gave him a long opportunity to make a move.

But no such move ever came, much to my surprise.

So I took this disheartened Kairi under my wing and comforted her with my friendship until finally, I revealed to her my feelings that I'd had for ages! And she actually returned them!

I had never, ever expected to start dating such a flawless woman…but hell, I'm certainly not complaining! She's far and away the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I put the velvet box back in my swimming trunks pocket, and headed over to my lovely lady. I've just gotta wait for the right moment…

And I hope Sora doesn't hate me for it…I mean, _some_body's gotta be my best man!

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

Maybe going down to this dance wasn't such a good idea.

I just knew it would be awkward being this close to Kairi, and having her still avert her gaze, pretending I'm not there…

I was forced to throw on a fake smile and start getting down with my bad self (Captain Jack Sparrow found it necessary to teach my a thing or two about 'breaking it down').

Now, seven or eight girls, all of whom I've never even met before (save Selphie), are all on top of me, touching me, groping EVERY part of me. Thanks, Jack.

NEVER before have I been so freaked out and exposed.

My eyes flit over to Kairi, who is being seduced (apparently) by Riku from behind. My anger starts to rise uncontrollably, until it manifests itself as pure, unbridled hate. Why? Why is she with that pig!? He could NEVER appreciate her the way I do, for all that she's worth.

I don't know why she doesn't like me…not that I ever expected her to, but, you'd think she'd at least give me the time of day, considering how I've saved her life multiple times. And I don't think I'm THAT bad looking, but of course I'm far trailing Riku in that department.

Throughout my travels, all I'd ever dreamed about was her. She was my muse.

Now she's my nadir.

As the impending gag reflex sensation starts to overtake my already-shaken esophagus, I manage to somehow snake my naked body out of the pounding throng of twisted women (stopping briefly to snatch and re-equip my boxers).

When Riku's hands begin to roam a little TOO close to home is when I crack. I look around wildly and see a stray champagne bottle, and choose to wield it as a weapon.

Picking it up, I flourish my glass bat and plot my attack.

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

Riku suddenly (and quite surprisingly) ended his passionate makeout/fondling session with me and pulled away, looking with smiling eyes at my face.

"Kairi, I have something I want to talk with you about."

"Of course, Riku, what is it?" I said, cocking my head in confusion. Riku? Talking like a civilized person? It was nearly unheard of!

"I uh…" he said, with blatant nervousness etched on his face.

Suddenly, Sora (in all of his distracting half-naked perfection) skipped by, somehow smashing a full champagne bottle on Riku's shoulder.

"Riku!!" Sora said, wide-eyed, looking from his bottle, to the growing puddle of pink, to the dripping image of my boyfriend. "I-I-I-I…I'm so sorry! I was just-"

Riku glared at him for a moment, and for a second I was worried he would attack my best friend. Then, Riku spontaneously shrugged. "Don't worry about it, man! Just enjoy yourself, I'll go wash up!"

"A-alright," Sora said, laughing shakily.

Riku walked away, leaving the two of us in our own private envelope of silence, completely cut off from the out-of-control party.

We both looked at each other at the same time (I got a magnificent glimpse of his gorgeous blues), and turned away instantly. "I…um…" Sora started promisingly.

I grinned wryly. "Don't feel bad about Riku, I know it was an accident."

For some reason, Sora visibly winced at these words, and silence draped over us once more. It was so thick that I just wanted to end it, any way I could. Jumping on him, punching him, running my leg along the front of his boxers, and telling him he always was and always would be the only one for me all seemed like viable vehicles to do so. So I opened my mouth and said,

"Those were some pretty awesome fireworks, huh?" D'oh!! Why the hell did I say that?!

Sora smiled winningly, and said quickly, "Yeah, they were great. Riku did a wonderful job on them."

"Yep. You did a nice job shooting them off though."

"Thanks."

"Mm-hm." So much for that path of conversation. I started chewing on a strand of hair.

I noticed him looking at the mountains, at the stars, the sand, the sea…anything but me. Why?! What about me is so repulsive?

I then felt my throat start to clench up and the familiar, harsh grip of sadness clench my heart. Why am I suddenly crying? Pull yourself together, Kairi, he's not lost…yet!

* * *

(_Riku's POV_)

Axillism! Damn could I use some more of that right now! I'll have to ask Kairi about it after I get washed off. (At this point I imagined Kairi's reaction to this suggestion) Hmm…perhaps a bit more couth is in order? Let's see, perhaps something like, "Pardon me, madam but if you are not too preoccupied with something of infinitely lower importance, could you pass a bit of axillism this way? Pray tell? Oh yes, quite. Hmm! Yes!"

As I was splashing sea salt drunkenly onto my friggin' sexy chest, I suddenly realized I've never even _tried _champagne before!

So, I took a chance, dipped my thumb into the bubbles still gushing off my chest, and licked it off…

That stuff's good! It's like peach, berry, and alcoholic goodness all rolled up in one fizzy, fancy cage. Now Sora's offense just became that much more…er, offensive.

Poor Wakka. Oh well! What he's too drunk to remember can't hurt him! (I have a feeling that statement might apply to me in a day or so)

Suddenly, a veritable BOTTLE rammed up against my leg. Heh-heh, bottle…I stooped down and picked it up, expecting to find a dead mouse, used condom or something else equally amusing inside. As I shook it around, however, I saw through what appeared to be a scroll…a pair of glowing yellow eyes glaring back at me!

"What the SEX?!" I yelled in stupor, and it was all I could do not to break the bottle. Something I succeeded in, unlike my guileless best friend. I'm still the best, heheh…

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

How do I keep getting myself caught up in these situations?

I don't dare to look at her one moment, or else I will fall headfirst into her deep, flawless eyes…resulting in an erection on my part. Which would be VERY noticeable given my very loose boxers…

I'm already a _little_ hard, but I hurriedly try to get my mind on other things than sliding my tongue down her chest. C'mon Sora! You can suppress it! You have to, she's actually got self-respect, unlike other women! Let's see…moutains…well, they're nowhere near the size of Kairi's breasts, so no! Um, stars…are romantic to watch on the beach ground after sex so, no! Let's see, sand…is where Kairi typically sunbathes topless, so no! Er…the ocean! It's wet. So no! Damn, now I'm REALLY horny.

Twisting my torso to hide my special powers, I sighed. That's when I noticed she was starting to sniffle. Risking supreme embarrassment from getting turned on by a friend who clearly has no interest in me, I braced myself and started to lightly massage her shoulder.

"It's alright, Kairi…what's wrong?"

She looked up at me and I noticed her eyes are as red-rimmed as mine. "Sora…I just wish…we could be friends again."

My eyes widened in shock. _I'm_ the problem? All I've ever done is stay out of her way, after she made it clear that things could no longer be the same for us…

I gave her a half hug, and quickly pulled away. "Me too, Kairi! That's what I want more than anything!"

"Sora…" she said my name with a sad smile. "We can't though, unless we can actually talk the way we used to."

I nodded. "Yeah…we should both work on that." I permitted myself another look into her deep eyes, but pulled out before I drown in the despair I feel just from looking at them. "Our friendship is so brittle, Kairi; it's so close to breaking that I don't know what to do anymore."

She winced and looked away, her red locks dancing with her. I put my hand on her shoulder and said, "I don't want that to happen any more than you do, but it's gonna take a little work from both of us. So whaddya say? Is this important enough to you that you want to go all the way?" Go all the way eh? Hmm, I like the sound of that…no! Stop, bad Sora! She's like your sister, for god's sake!

She nodded her head, and turned back around, hugging me extraordinarily tightly for having never touched me since I came back home. I awkwardly put my arms around the living angel, trying not to think about whose swollen organs are squeezing against what. Damn…

"Of course, Sora!" she squeaked. "I NEVER want to stop being friends with you."

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

As he held me there, I tried not to start crying uncontrollably like a retard. My tears of despair turned into those of happiness though, since it finally seemed like my Sora had actually noticed the growing void between us, and wanted to fix it!!

"Sora," I breathed. It's been so long since I have actually been able to say his name to his face, and it feels so good to say it while we're both in such close proximity. I sighed into his neck, secretly wishing he meant what I know he didn't about 'going all the way.' For now, though, I just bathed in the radiant warmth of his purity and friendly love, drinking it up like I had been dehydrated for months. We fit together so well…why can't he just see that our destinies should be intertwined?

Sora suddenly pulled away, wide-eyed. "Um, I-I…sorry," he said, running a hand through his ridiculously hot hair sheepishly. So that's it then? Am I really that appalling? I guess he's just trying to maintain that despised 'friend barrier'. Damn whoever came up with friends…

"…it was no problem," I choked out, examining the ground through painfully heavy eyes. "Thanks for comforting m-"

"Guys, guys, look! You're never going to believe this!!" Riku suddenly exclaimed, running up, dripping with moisture (yummy!). "There's something alive trapped inside this bottle."

Sora, who had been covering his chest in apparent shame at being so nearly naked, jolted into awareness. "What?! Is it something from another world?"

"Hell if I know!" Riku said with a shrug, struggling to pop off the cork. "Ugh…er…damn thing's stuck!" He intoned.

"Let me see it!" I said with a roll of my eyes. My boyfriend offered it to me with a cocked eyebrow, and I threw it at the ground as hard as I could. Obviously, the bottle broke apart, and a giant golden snake slithered out from the remains. I think I screamed, cuz the guys both looked at me like I was mental…or maybe that was from me smashing the bottle…

"How _dare_ youuu?!" the snake demanded in a high-pitched, prissy male voice.

I gaped at it. "I-I-I-I'm sorry!!"

* * *

(_Riku's POV_)

Hot sex, a talking snake!! I can die content now!

"Hey buddy, sorry bout that, she's a little cuckoo!" I said, kneeling down and patting the gilded snake on the head.

"ME?! You should talk," Kairi said, offering an incriminating glare my way.

"Do not PAtronize me!" the snake said snottily, crawling its way across the sand to my ever-elusive bud, Sora. "_I_ am Sir Hisssss, knight and clerk to His Impotencssse, Princsse John of Nottingham," the reptilian dude said, holding his head loftily.

My bro didn't look too impressed and just looked at him evenly. "…And?"

"His Exsscellencsse would like an audience with the three keyblade masters…that is you, isn't it?"

"Hell YEAH it is!!" I informed him, whisking my frickin' sweet dark, alien keyblade out of the night sky with a flick of my wrist. "What can we do for ya man?"

Sir Hiss rolled his eyes and sighed. "Our fair kingdom has fallen under the repeated attack of a band of expert thieves, served…(here he looked at us with something like slyness in his eye) by the Heartless!"

Kairi gasped, like she did in bed last night, and Sora pursed his lips but didn't move otherwise.

"The people are suffering, since all of our funds continue to be sucked away due to repeated attacks. Our armies are malnourished and don't stand a chance…"

"No, of course not. No one can damage the Heartless by physical means," Sora said, breaking out of his silence. "Alright, you've got yourselves a deal. We'll come help you out."

Kairi looked up at him and grinned. "Really?! This'll be just like old times!" Then she narrowed her eyes at me for some reason. "I AM coming this time, aren't I?"

I gestured broadly. "Girl…as long as you keep wearing _that_, you can come wherever you want!" I said, running my eyes over her magnificent body. She blushed adorably, and Sora did the same. Both then looked to the side and clearing his or her throat conspicuously.

Heck, I'm such a beast, I make my_self_ blush!

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

It feels good to be here, working with these two again…almost like I belong…

I look up into Riku's eyes, and I can almost feel his confidence and passion bounding off him in waves…I wish he'd spare some for me.

"So…how are we supposed to get to this…Nottingham or wherever it is?" I asked in a monotone (my headache is steadily worsening, and being in Kairi's radiant presence isn't lessening the pressure at all).

"Ah, an excellent question, my lord!" Sir Hiss said contentedly. He twisted his tail in a bizarre gesture. "Do as I do; this is the sign of the Prince's kingdom! A gateway will open if we all do it together."

I leaned and squinted at the strange shape he made. "How the hell…" Kairi apparently did the same thing as me, and we both knocked heads at the same time. She stood back up, closing her eyes and giggling, but I just looked at her coldly. I wish she wouldn't treat me like everything's fine between us…maybe she likes it the way it is, but we still have a long way to go…

"Guys, guys, GUYS!" Riku said with annoyingly increasing volume.

"What?" I snapped, looking up, and was shocked to see his hands twisted in a much more understandable shape. They were exuding a shimmering cloud of blue light.

"I think I got it!" he said jovially. "And watch your tone, bitch!"

I stuck my tongue out at him, just to show I'm the mature one. Then a thought struck me. "I'm going to get dressed again…" I looked over calmly to Kairi, and noticed something akin to disappointment in her eyes. My breath hitched, and gazed deep into them again, my feelings for her flaring up again. "You…might wanna cover yourself up more too, that is, if your _boyfriend_ will permit it," I said, inserting as much venom as I could into the world. Yep, I'm as mature as the hills…

Kairi blushed, "No, I…I don't mind…what would you like?"

I looked up at Riku, wide-eyed. He shrugged, equally mystified. Did she seriously just ask that? "UMMMM…"

"Go for it, Tootsie Roll!" Riku encouraged her. "Why wear clothes? They're for queers!"

"O-okay," she said, offering him a little smile (how can you argue with _that _logic, after all?) and then looked at me with that brazen look in her eyes. Yeah, you know the one I'm talking about. "Fine, we'll just wait here for you to get dressed!"

…Am I the bad guy here? What's going on? "Alright, fine," I say, giving her my special 'I don't know what the hell is going on with you' look that I find myself giving people a lot these days, but turning around and walking towards the still-blazing-away party.

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

So Sora's being his now-typical jerky, out-of-it self again. Maybe he's having his period? But regardless of his emotional fluctuation, he's got one TONED back! I take the rare opportunity to stare down his butt (which is _very_ easy on the eyes) as he walks away irratably.

The weird snake guy fluctuated to the left and the right before us. "…Are you _sure_ you are able to save His Majesty's kingdom?"

I glared down at him (I don't find snakes very agreeable). "Of course we will! Combined, the three of us have killed THOUSANDS of Heartless!"

"Yeah," Riku said, tapping his shoulder with the Keyblade. "We've got this covered, no worries." He offered me one of his cheery smiles, and it was so infectious that I couldn't help but return it.

The snake rolled his eyes and bit down on the scroll that had accompanied him in the bottle. He pulled it over to where I stood and laid it down at my feet (as he backed away, I could swear he took a dedicated look up my miniskirt).

"What's this?"

"A contract," he said in his buttery voice, nodding towards the scroll. "It puts you temporarily in the king's service. You will be rightfully rewarded for your efforts after you completely dispatch of Robin Hood and his Merry Men."

"Alright, sounds easy enough," I said, shaking the sand off of it and unfurling it.

* * *

(_Riku's POV)_

I _really_ like bananas! And my girlfriend's ass too, but well…that's a different subject entirely.

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

After dodging a bunch of pale preteen girls in their underwear who all flocked after me as I rapidly stepped past, I managed to scour my Fairy Uniform from the crags of the hill. I kicked a few of the groupies away without much regard to their feelings (it's their fault they threw them all away on me…okay, I guess I can sympathize with the ugly ones with zits and glasses, but you know…they'll find some perverted greasy scoundrel to settle down with one day, right?) as I shimmied back into my clothes.

Finally covering up all my body parts had never been such a ridiculously tremendous relief.

I crouched and kicked off of the ground, soaring through the air over to the threesome. I skidded to a stop into the sand, trying to not get any in Kairi's face but plenty in Riku's.

"Hey, what are you signing?" I asked. After they explained and offered it to me, I shrugged and sketched my signature after their two names. What could go wrong anyway? I mean, three keyblade masters? These punk thieves didn't stand a chance.

"Alright, now that all preparations are finally complete," Sir Hiss said annoyedly, wrapping the scroll back up with his tail, "We can finally return to the Kingdom of Nottingham."

"Awesome! Another adventure!" Riku declared. I rolled my eyes; apparently he didn't remember how horrifically bad the last two had been to him.

It took me and Kairi a bit to figure out the sign, although I have a sneaking suspicion she was just faking confusion so Riku would come over and grope her hands while she got off on him, but in the end, we all managed to power a large blue vortex in the middle of the beach in the Destiny Islands.

Without warning, I suddenly felt myself being lifted off the ground and thrust into the portal. "Kairi!" I yelled, which was unsurprisingly the thing on my mind at the last moment of consciousness.

* * *

(Nottingham, 1234 A.D.)

When I came to, I was greeted by a vivid burst of yellowish light. After what I'm sure was a fascinating display of moaning from whoever was watching me at the moment, my eyes finally settled on a spectrum of light and took in their new surroundings.

My jaw dropped at the magnificent vision. I was in a gigantic, stone castle courtyard, covered with an assortment of stoic-looking animals ranging from Rhinos, Elephants, Weasels, and Crocodiles regarding us. Beyond this great castle, a hill covered with small houses extended into the atmosphere, farther than the eye could see.

"Wow…" I said in complete awe. My headache had completely disappeared too, which was a huge relief. Unfortunately…my sac started to seriously itch.

'Aw man, this is embarrassing,' I thought, banging my thigh against my crotch and smiling stupidly at the army looking at me from atop the ramparts.

I looked to my right to see how my friends had fared and I almost squawked in surprise, forgetting all about my hygienic problems. Kairi had adopted the guise of a drop-dead gorgeous humanoid fox with striking maroon fur. She was dressed in a fancy, decorated tunic that seemed to stress the importance of her overlarge chest…not that it's important, of course!! (In fact, sometimes I wish she wasn't so well-equipped…that way I wouldn't go light-headed with nervousness whenever I spoke to her…)

As she looked to me wide-eyed, my heart leapfrogged up into my mouth, so I quickly averted my gaze and looked to see what Riku had transformed into. He looked, much to my disgust, frankly adorable; he, too, had adopted the form of a fox, yet his coat was a snowy white and had the cutest black eyes…wait a second, what the hell is wrong with me?

This…was going to take some getting used to.

"INTRUDER ALERT!! SOUND THE ALARM!!" a heavily nasal voice echoed from within the torchlit palace.

"Um…what?" I asked dumbly as a flurry of movement erupted across the ramparts. To my despair, I noticed that all the archers had suddenly taken aim at us. Yippee.

"Sora?" Kairi asked in a very small voice. I turned and looked at her expectly, while lowering into a crouching stance. "What's going on?"

"Beats me," I muttered. "I thought we were supposed to helping out these guys, not serving as training targets."

In front of us, an extremely large and potbellied wolf-man creature was rampaging forward, brandishing a large, lit torch. "You're goin' down, ya thieves!" he informed us.

"Wait, ssstop, Sheriff!" Sir Hiss cried, slipping out in front of us.

"He's not stopping," Riku said rather needlessly.

"Alright, guys," I said, whirling to my friends, and trying to swallow down my nervousness. "You both try to take this big lug, while I fly around and disarm all the archers, got it!"

Riku and an extremely-frightened-looking Kairi quickly nodded, and whipped out their blades, narrowing their eyes.

Thus said, I unleashed the Kingdom Key from the sunlight itself and took to the skies to cut down the offending archers. And at exactly the right time, too, since they had just now launched their first barrage of arrows.

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

I gawked at Sora's new body flexing as he jumped, spun around impressively, and started flying around at high speeds, keyblade extended. But there was no time to dwell on how that was even physically possible, because right in front of us was a REALLY fat wolf guy!

"HIYA!" I cried with more courage (or perhaps, stupidity) than I knew I had, and flexed my Keyblade (That my boyfriend gave to me as a gift, no less! Love you, Riku!) horizontally at the monster as he approached. Wood met steel with a really loud thud, and we stood, pressing weight on each other. His eyes were deep, bloody red, and filled with malicious fury.

He suddenly bared his fangs and torqued the torch around wildly, throwing me backwards onto the stone floor. My head collided with stone roughly, and the resultant pain coursed through my back.

I looked up to see the Wolf man lick his lips hungrily as he regarded me on the ground, and I struggled to get up, using my Keyblade as a cane.

Where was Riku anyway?!

My question was immediately answered as the gorgeous silvery fox wordlessly sliced a long combination of strokes into the wolf's back. The wolf staggered, glared behind him, and rushed headlong into Riku, swiping at him with drawn claws.

Riku shook off the attack, and began dueling the wolf, sword-to-torch. I looked down at Sir Hiss and saw that he was looking at me expectantly.

The wolf man managed to swipe fire onto Riku's arm, and then batted him away during the distraction. Seeing where Riku had already done some significant damage on the monster's back, I rushed forward to continue bashing his backbone.

I swiped again with all my might (which, admittedly, isn't much), but I only hit thin air. To my despair, I saw the more-agile-than-he-looks wolf man step out of the way, turn around, and raise his arm in preparation for a mighty blow.

"Ahh…" I cried in apprehension, squeezing my eyes shut. Suddenly, Sora dived down feet-first directly in front of me (accompanied by a sweet-smelling rush of his cologne) and sliced both of the wolf man's arms off.

"Arrrk…you'd betray one of your own?" the wolf said, glaring his beady eyes at Sora.

"What?! You were the one attacking me and my friends!" Sora said in confusion. I watched the blood drip off his sword in horror. Sora was capable of doing THAT?!

"You…I…I was told…you look like…" he muttered, falling to his knees and lowering his head. "It's all that Prince John's fault, he did this!!"

A loud clapping resounded across the pavilion. Sora, Riku, and I looked up to see a furry person clapping their paws together up very high on a balcony. "Bravo!! Bravo!! GOOD show!" he said in a very fruity voice.

"Um, douchebag?" Riku said with a wry smile as he approached us again.

"Definitely," Sora muttered with a grin.

I giggled, and called up to the lion person, "We all agree that you're a flaming douchebag! What do you have to say for yourself?!"

I grinned back at the guys and was entertained at their expressions of shock that I would do such a thing. Ha! Serves them right for prejudging me.

The lion man bristled, started sucking on his thumb, moaning in an Oedipal fashion about his mother. "Mommy, ooh Mommy, ohhhhh MOMmy!" I suddenly felt a little nauseous. I looked at Sora, expecting him to be glaring at me for being retarted, but he was just looking up at the douchebag in shock, whereas Riku looked like he was on the verge of cracking up.

A rhino guard dressed in black regarded him calmly. "Uh, Your Majesty? What do you want us to do about…"

"KILL THEM!" the lion squeaked between self-loathing sobs. "KILL THEM ALL!!"

"But Sire!" Hiss demanded, slithering forward. "Remember the plan?!"

"I don't care, I don't care, I just want them DEAD!! DEAD and FORGOTTEN!"

"What about the Heartless and Robin Hood?" Hiss clarified. "Don't they deserve even more death and insult to their memory?"

"MM!! MMMMM! MMMMM!…oh, I guess you're right," the man said, standing up tall again and looking down at us like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. "WELCOME! Brave Keyblade warriors, to my humble dominion. I am Prince John II, ruler of this blessed country. Who might each of you be?"

Riku stepped forward and thumbed his chest proudly. "Riku, Keyblade Warrior, at your service, milord."

"It's 'sire,' actually," Hiss said condescendingly.

"My name is Kairi, sire, and I am at your service as well," I said with a curtsy. He looked down at me importantly, beady yellow eyes gleaming. I tried to return a smile.

Sora (who had morphed into the guise of a lean, brown-furred wolf upon teleporting here) waited a fair share of time.

"Go on, you lazy bum!" I murmured.

He then sighed and muttered grudgingly, "And I am Sora. That's it."

Prince John twiddled his fingers, grinning craftily, and then reached down and produced the contract had signed only moments before.

"What the! How did he get that?!" I asked aloud.

"The document you signed was just a copy, magically linked to the one his Pendulousness is holding now," Hiss explained.

"As my first order, my three new, all-powerful servants, I demand the execution of the bloated prisoner on the floor before you!" We all looked down at the wolf man in question.

"Uh…are you sure about that, your majesty?" the rhinoceros said.

"Of _course_ I'm sure! We don't need him anymore, not with these powerful beings! He's been an annoying thorn in my side for _far_ too long!" the Prince murmured back.

* * *

(_Riku's POV_)

Personally, out of all the forms I've ever acquired, this has GOTTA be the awesomest one yet! It's like receiving really good fallaccia from an Italian babe! I'm so white and sexy that I'm pretty much just the sexiest, whitest thing I've ever seen.

Shrugging, and since it's always fun to kill people for no good reason, I raised my Keyblade and cut off the Wolfman's head, causing a large splatter of blood to emaciate from the displaced cellular structure. A large portion erupted onto Sora and I's coats, so I quickly shook myself off, as to not stain my sexy sheen!

Sora didn't really do much except lick his lips (his reddish-brown fur hid most of the onslaught of blood regardless). Kairi, on the other hand, stared at me like I was something hella crazy. Which I am, of course, in bed…and most of the rest of the time, too.

"Mission accomplished, _sire_!" I said, bowing deeply to the toolbag.

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

Wow, that was…messy! But whatever.

Flitting my eyes over to Kairi's vixen form, I noticed that she looked more than a little steamed at Riku. If I just stay out of it, maybe those two will do my work for me! (Then, of course, there's the whole matter of getting her to like me, which isn't likely to happen anytime soon)

Prince John seemed completely ecstatic, however. Like he could barely hold his bladder, in fact. "That was…MAGNIFICENT!! The three of you will be my new, crown jewels! The notorious Sherriff of Nottingham, who has been terrorizing these streets for countless years, has finally been beheaded! May the streets ring out with jubilation!"

All of the guard animals clapped dutifully, but with a noted absence of jubilation.

Prince John continued his directionless sputtering. "I hereby declare a parade on this day, the twelfth of June, year 1234 A.D.!! May the rejoicing begiiiiiiin!

* * *

It was as such that I found myself riding through the Nottingham countryside in one of nearly sixty stage coaches in a grand caravan of the retard Prince's design. While Riku was busy watching the front, with the prince himself, I unfortunately had wound up in a very fancy caravan with none other than my crush since I was seven years old, the gorgeous Kairi.

She looked like she had a question on her lips, so I intelligently asked, "What's on your mind?" I was starting to feel a bit less inferior to her now that we were spending more time together; I had come to realize that she wasn't a perfect, spiritual being of pure beauty descended from the heavens, but in actuality, a person with a whole array of emotions, faults, and interests. And picturing her as being as ugly as possible helped to with me getting her mortality through my head, too. But still, even as a fox-lady, she was more gorgeous than ANYTHING I've ever seen before and my heart feels like it's trapped in a steel vice, ready to explode.

Kairi tossed her hand around and said, "Well yeah…what's up with…" she gestured down the length of her body, causing me to involuntarily clear my throat as I was forced to look upon her way-too-flawless chest that I had been trying to ignore.

"Whaddyou mean?" I said, swallowing nervously. "You look _fine_ to me…" What a DUMB thing to say! I'm so effing retarted!

She smiled snidely (I think…it's hard to tell with a fox face), "No, I mean – why do we look the way we do now?"

"OH!" I said, catching on. "Well, before, me, Donald, and Goofy would transform when visiting some planets if humans would look out-of-place there. Something similar has probably happened this time to us, since it appears this world is only populated by humanoid animals."

"But wasn't that powered by the Gummi Ship?" she said, looking a little bored with the subject. "How did we transform this time?"

I shrugged broadly. "Beats me! Frankly, I don't really care as long as we get our old bodies back once we're done killing this Robin Hood character."

"That's another thing," Kairi said, her voice changing in tone slightly. I looked at her questioningly, taking great care to not check her out like my heart was telling me to. "Are you sure it's the…right thing to do?"

"Killing him, you mean?" I shrugged again. "If he's allied himself with the Heartless, then why not? Besides, I have a feeling that's the only way we'll get to go home."

"I know, I know that…" Kairi said hesitantly, "But…this whole thing just feels…wrong, somehow."

"Hmm, I know what you mean," I said darkly. "I think we should watch ourselves with this Prince John maniac."

--End Chapter--

A/N: So, whaddya think? Another chapter is in the works (it will likely just be these two), so you should see it up within a few days. And please, for the love of God, Review!! It makes me happy to get ANY reviews, no matter what they say.

See you in a few!

KoshKing777


	2. Ripping Hearts To Shreds

A/N: Sorry about the incredibly long wait…my muse has a terrible tendency to be fickle. Sometimes I'm really productive, other times, it likes to run away and abandon me so that I'm forced to run after it with a net and a set of tweezers. However, today I'm feeling the muse's influence very well, thank you very much.

This story starts out with a LOOOOOT of angsty romance. It kind of burns my eyes, to be honest. But it will get more story-driven later…then angsty-romantic again…then funny…then violent…then angsty-romance galore. Darn it. Then again, when I made the plot for this story, I was inadvertently plotting a fluff-fest, so I guess this is what I get for my lack of foresight.

That being said, I claim no ownership of anything in this story. At all. Except the dialogue and thoughts. Those are mine, and you shouldn't steal them. Unless you review first. Then you can rip me off as much as you like.

LET THE OVERBEARING ooc-NESS CONTINUE!!

* * *

KoshKing777's

Rabblerousers

Ch. 2

(_Kairi's POV_)

I have to admit I was feeling a little on edge being in the car with Sora with nothing at all to do. Well, maybe I should rephrase that…there was SOMEthing to do, but that certain thing probably wouldn't consent.

I sighed again and looked up into his deep blue eyes. Even though he was now wolf-like in appearance, his eye color was still the same mesmerizing hue…they showed that, under his tough, uncaring exterior, he still had a huge range of emotions, feelings, and fears. And every once in a while, I could still catch a glimpse of that young, naïve boy I once knew and fell in love with so many years ago…

I could stare at those eyes for hours and hours and still see something new in them every minute.

God, how I wanted to kiss him…I had always wanted to have my first kiss with Sora, but as fate would have it, that didn't turn out to be the case. Maybe…just maybe, he wouldn't be altogether opposed with kissing me since we were in these different bodies? Perhaps now he could maybe imagine me as NOT his friend-zone-dwelling, off-limits buddy to whom he apparently has no attraction whatsoever, but as an empty persona that he wouldn't mind kissing.

(P.S. "Friend zone," according to MY street-wise dictionary, is when you are completely head-over-heels in love with someone you're already close to, but they can't see you as anything beyond a friend without having a gag reflex. Definitely is a problem for me right here, or else I'd already have Sora up my skirt…oops, you didn't hear me say that…)

It had felt SOO good to be in his arms earlier today…

So, I decided to press my luck and flirt with him a little, just to see what would happen. "SO!" He jumped in his seat, and I looked away, feeling heat ride to my cheeks. God, that was loud! I'm such a failure at life. "Whoo, um…who do you think is the hottest girl on the island?" I said very quietly.

Please don't be gay, please don't be gay…

"Oh, uhm…" Sora said, looking around with shifty eyes. Crap! What if he is?! "S-Selphie's not too bad, I guess. I mean, that's what I thought up until last night. She was pretty trashed out, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah," I said, so relieved I almost giggled. (I told you, I'm retarted! My mind isn't built for these kind of high-tension conversations required to seduce someone who can barely stand your presence). Hmm, let's see…I want to make out with Sora naked…but that's jumping way too far ahead!! …What I mean is, I want to cuddle passionately with Sora's naked, rock-hard body until we're drenched in each other's sweat and he's pinning me to the ground beneath him.

Okay, much more better…now, what to say to get him thinking in that direction too??

"Sora, I…" I winced and looked up into his midnight angelic gaze. "Um, I never really got a chance to thank you for saving me all those…times."

He looked relieved to finally have something to talk about so he wasn't just looking at his hands. "Oh yeah, that's no problem. You know I'd never let anything happen to you!" He said that with a certain degree of warmth that started to fill me with that ache of need within my chest and gut. I longed for him…soooo much that it was almost tangible.

I swallowed and ran a hand through my hair. "So, you know…ifthere'sanywayIcanrepayyouI'lldoit!" (At regular speed, I meant to say, 'If there's any way I can repay you, I'll do it')

Sora blinked, wide-eyed. "Huh?"

I took a deep breath and fidgeted in distress. "I just meant, I owe you one."

"Oh," Sora said in his deep voice. "No you don't. Don't worry about it."

"That's not what I meant!" I heaved in exasperation and folded my arms across my chest moodily. Clearly if we're EVER going to go anywhere together, I've got to do some major teeth-pulling. "What I meant was, I'd really like to…"

Suddenly, the entire car lurched, nearly turning vertically. I screamed as I flipped backwards and slammed my head against the ivory seating. Sora flew through the air, bounced off the ceiling, and landed directly on top of me.

Oh wow…I can feel HIS ass…on my crotch…this is the best thing ever!! I think I accidentally mewed as I looked at his face just centimeters over mine. He was on top of me, straddling me. I could feel his breath on my nose. And I've never been more turned on in my entire life!

Now, however, I'm totally unsure of what to do. His eyes burned with a fire so intense my heart was liquidizing. The longing to kiss him, taste him, or wrap my arms around him was too much, and I let out a small moan on accident as I tried to reign in my emotions.

Sora, unfortunately, chose that exact moment to stand up, offering me his furry hand (which I gladly accepted, of course). "Ah…" he said, blinking profusely, "I guess we're under attack."

Yep. So much for THAT romantic moment. I had never felt so deflated in my entire life. Geez Kairi, mood swings much?! But, what was I hoping would happen (Well…realistically, I mean)?! I mean, I knew he didn't like me! Why did I allow myself for a second to think he might return those feelings?

God, it was the perfect opportunity for him to kiss me, after all this time! Why couldn't he just do that one thing for me? He's a guy and I'm a girl, we're both…mammals. What's the harm? Who gives a damn whether he has any feelings for me or not?! Damn heartless bastard.

I wrung my hands and grit my teeth, looking around at anywhere, anything but him. I inwardly swore never to get caught in a compromising position like that with him ever again.

"Okay, so that really sucked," I accidentally said out loud.

Sora looked downright pissed for some reason. "Ohh, I'm so sorry I FELL on you! It's not like I had any choice!"

My temper flared momentarily. "That's not the problem, you idiot!"

"Whatever! Let's do this later. Come on, the entire parade is under attack, and willing to bet it's those Heartless thugs we're after."

Oh yeah! The contract and all. I'd almost forgotten. "You're right," I said, feeling terrible for lashing out at the hottest guy I'd ever met. "Hey, listen…"

"Oh, just shut up, Kairi," he muttered, and stalked outside. My entire brain seemed to shudder. I waited a moment within the topsy-turvy caravan car to rein in my rapidly-spinning-out-of-control emotions. A day ago, I would've given anything to have Sora on top of me like that. But now I see that it only ruined what blossoming friendship we might have been developing.

Damn friendship! It's nothing but a hurdling block to reach the one you love.

Realizing that I was expected to be fighting outside, I wiped the fledgling tears soaking into my cheeks and ran outside, vowing to cut the crap and tell Sora the truth about what I feel the next time I see him. I'm done with this! The only solution left is to just lay it out on the line and stop putting myself through this horrible torture. Who knows, maybe romantic dialogue is something that will bring him closer to me?

I laughed at my own naïve stupidity. Who am I kidding? If he won't even deign to tolerate my presence, or won't even consider kissing me when he's in the missionary position in me, what possible chance do I have of catching him?!

Such vying thoughts quickly disappeared as I looked out onto the green, shrub-covered field. There, spouting out of a dark, ancient forest, was an army so vast and so overmanned by Heartless that I was sure this would be my grave.

* * *

(_Riku's POV_)

Hello again, my bitches! Riku, the silver-furred, sensual Suicune here! Where exactly is here, you ask? I'll give you a hint; the clip-clop of horses' hooves is the only sound, and it smells a whole lot like mangy cat musk in here…

That's right, you guessed it! I'm currently riding VIP in the suspiciously lioness-looking Prince John's carriage, along with the sometimes-tolerable company of his pet snake, Sir Hiss!

And it's totally awesome, because now I get to do the Prince's every bidding and they're all hilarious…perhaps I have a penchant for mindlessly following orders from royalty?

Anyway, just having finished force feeding Sir Hiss a gallon of rhinoceros milk for the sheer idiocy of it, and then wringing him out like a wet towel, the Prince nearly fell off his cushion with hysterical laughter. (I was in the same boat, I assure you).

"Ah, what gall, my errant knight!" Prince John lauded about me.

"Ummm, what?" I asked, having no clue what he just said.

"Heeeee…" he said satisfactorily, sinking down in his cushion with his hand down his pants, gripping what I dare not imagine. "For my next task I will readily impose of you, Keyblade Warrior, I demand that you entertain me with song!"

Uh-oh. Here I feel that I must impart upon you a truly tragic reality; I couldn't carry a tune even if Kairi's massive jugs were at stake! So I gulped and tried to recall something out of my distant memory, for instance, when I was prancing through the jungles of Barcelona with a gangster in the nude, save for a strip of loincloth. Hee-hee…loincloth…

"Come now, song! How else do you expect me to maintain my already momentous height of happiness?!" the Prince said, rather thoughtlessly of my predicament, or so I thought.

"Okay, okay, here goes…" I said, rubbing my sweaty hands together and looking around the carriage for a means of escape. When none was forthcoming, I took a deep breath, and then was struck by a sudden thought. "Hey, Sir Kaa!"

"Umm, it's Sir Hiss, you mirthless cretin."

"Yeah, whatever, I need you to keep a rhythm for me, okay?"

After glaring at me for a full dozen seconds, the snake said, "Actually, I was just about to doze…" He noticed the Prince glaring at him meaningfully. "Doze-d-do whatever you want, my liege!" He said hurriedly.

"Goody. Now, I want you to keep this steady bass beat, a'ight? 'Hoom-BOM-BOM, Hoom-BOM-BOM, Hoom-BOM-BOM, Hoom-BOM-BOM,' you got it?"

"……………..hoo, bombom," the snake said mutinously.

"Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! Hey…" Prince John said, tired of the attention being taken off him.

"Yes?" I said patiently.

"What can I do?"

"Well…" I said, brushing a hand through my freaking sexy silver locks, "I do need someone to play the calliope part…"

"OOOH, me!! Pick me!!"

"Alright, your majesty, since you were so insistent." The Prince laughed boyishly and clapped his paws together.

"Okay, here's how it goes: Loo-Pirlouii, Loo-Pirlouii, Loo-Pirlouii, Loo-Pirlouii…you got it?"

"Hoop…pirouwi?" the Prince said cautiously.

"Close enough," I said, winking at him. "Now, then on a count of three, I want Sir Hiss to start off with his formula for three measures."

"DON'T tell me what to do!" he snarled. "I am very gifted in the art of…"

"At that point, I need you to come in, Johnny-Boy!" I interrupted.

The Prince crowed a massive chuckle. "Did you hear that, Hiss? He called me 'Johnny-Boy!' Oh, the delight of this fine rabblerouser!"

"Yes, yes, I heard him," Sir Hiss said darkly.

"Alright, now we're going, people! A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four!" I led them off.

Immediately Sir Hiss began to sing a throaty, "Hoom-BOM-BOM, Hoom-BOM-BOM" after which Prince John managed to mock a calliope.

I gave them a bit of a head start, and then stood up on my feet and wailed in a very girlish voice, "YOU ALWAYS GET THE BOYS YOU LIKE, PLAY NICE THEN STICK THEM WITH YOUR KNIFE!!" (Kiss's song "Is That You?") I'll admit that I got a little carried away…but I wasn't able to perceive my carriage-mates' reactions, for the entire craft suddenly struck something forcefully, and burst into explosive splinters.

I blacked out for a second, but was quickly waked by the moaning, thumb-sucking terror of Prince John.

I coughed out some black smoke, and realized the craft was burning - and the three of us were all still in it!

"Mommy! Mommy! I wanna go home!" Prince John said, his butt collapsed through the floorboards as he sucked perpetually on his thumb.

I picked up the basket that Sir Hiss had retreated into, and held out my hand to the Prince. "Come on, your majesty! It's dangerous to remain here!" I entreated.

Frustratingly, the Prince's only response was to go up several octaves in his whining moan. "nnnnnnNNNNNNNnnnNNNNO! I wanna go back to see my Mommy!" he said, using his thumb as a microphone.

"Up we go!" I said as I lifted the jilted Prince out of the wrecked cabin and leapt out with him and the basket in tow to escape the flames.

"Uh-oh," me and the snake said in unison at the Heartless-filled sight that greeted us.

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

Sora, may I ask you a question?

Why yes, self, please do so at your leisure.

Why, in the ever-increasing borders of Gummi-Space and all the places in between….

Why, would you EVER lose your temper at Kairi?! Of all people!

Kairi…that sweet blossom of an angel, perfection incarnate, with eyes that sparkle like the most treasured of diamonds, with a countenance so soothing, sweet, caring, and PERFECT… The most beautiful girl there ever has been, or ever will be. Whenever I see her, I don't feel worthy to even look at her, much less touch her, if even in a friendly manner. Nothing stresses my own ineptness and worthlessness more than her. She's SOOO wonderful, it makes me wonder how things could have been…if Riku had never been born…

No wait, screw that…she doesn't dislike you because of Riku's existence! She doesn't like you because you're so retarted you can't even express even a small, microscopic drop of your feelings for her without peeing yourself in nervousness!

I would gladly give up my life for her at the drop of a hat. But I can't stand to be around her, if only because we are not together…yet…

So…WHY in the HECK would you get mad at her?!

This was the question I posed myself as I rabidly plunged into the fray of demonic Heartless that paraded from the thick wood. I cast an Aero and cycloned through a barrage of small bee heartless that were peppering the Prince's guard. I slashed through tens, then hundreds of the small pests, all in a manner of seconds.

My anger is what drove me, as I hacked and slashed with my goo-covered Keyblade. When I fight, everything is fluid, just as nothing else is in my life. I don't even have to think, I just…kill, uncontrollably.

Well, to answer, my previous question…I have no idea… I mean, I know I love her…but for some reason her plain disregard for my affections just fills me with completely incompatible anger!

The crimson explosions after each Devil falls has become an addiction to me; this is my sole worth in the Universe. I'm a terrible friend, and an offender of love.

This is my fate; my calling.

I'm such a pathetic retard.

After I landed from the midair clouds of carnage, I looked up from the grass into the eyes of two massive, bladed spider creatures. Looking at the long, steel, needle-like shafts protruding from their arms, I smirked.

"MAGNET!" I cast. The two monsters twitched, and then immediately crumpled and collided with each other in midair, rolling around in the green light until they were no more than small steel marbles.

I grinned at my handiwork, but then heard an alarming whisk of the air behind me. I ducked, twirled around, and found myself face-to-face with two huge doglike creatures. Their hands took the shape of rapidly spinning meteorites; which they quickly sought to introduce to my face. And as much as I like making friends…

"Blizzard," I said, imperceptibly raising my Keyblade. The ice immediately doused the meteors' flame, causing the dog monsters to stop in mid-swing and look at their fist stupidly.

"Here, let me show you how to use that!" I said, sidestepping to the left and crashing my blade into one's fist, causing into to fly unstoppably into the other dog's chest, creating a large, gaping blue hole.

"OUCH, that's a mean right hook you got there," I taunted, squinting at the damage.

The monster I bashed whirled on me and snarled from above. As I figured he was about to pounce, his wounded partner bit into his shoulder and began to bash the other's face repeatedly.

"Wow, I guess I overestimated your guys's intelligence, huh?" I said, whirling my Keyblade lazily through the air around me, crushing multiple Heartless.

A wave of arrows from the underbrush suddenly zipped through the air. "WHOA!" I yelled, ducking to the side and sweeping with my blade simultaneously to block the shots. A thought struck me then, and I quickly spun on my heel to see the remaining throng of arrows hurtling with dangerous speed at the Caravan, a battle-engaged Riku, and most importantly, Kairi!

Acting without thought, I quickly cast the most powerful Gravity I could muster, causing all the arrows to immediately plummet to the blood-covered grass, rendered harmless.

"Schwewph!" I said for some reason, but then my breath caught as I saw Riku approach Kairi and take her into a big hug. She returned the passionate feeling, for I could see the relief and pleasure that was evoked in her face.

My heart plummeted to somewhere in my feet; she really didn't need me! I watched them naturally swivel their heads to begin a grotesque make-out session, and I felt like each lick was a stroke of fire embedded in my throat.

She loves him…really and truly…

There is no use for me here anymore…

I've gotta get away, before their fucking relationship kills me!

Unfortunately, I found myself unable to move as I watched my two best friends merge their souls through their mouth. I had never hated Riku as much as I did in that small instant…and Kairi…I think I had always loved her…

She deserves him…I'm a pathetic, shriveled up shell of a kid, who's too ugly to even think about joining in her pantheon of lovers in this lifetime.

I'll always and forever be just a friend in her eyes…funny, because I had always seen friendship as a positive thing…

My soul is black, all my joy, my happiness gone…I have seen too much of this world, and for that I must pay the ultimate price…never being with the only one I'll ever love.

TWANG!! Suddenly, a real pain sifted through my abdomen, and cried out in the realization that I had been stabbed through my shoulder with a sword. I twisted out of the blade and snaked my keyblade behind me, locking blades with a red-furred fox donned in mysterious green clothing.

"Do accept my apologies, good Sir," the fox said with a grin as he flourished his rapier, "but I have found it necessary to remove you from this picture."

"Take your best shot," I returned with a hollow glare, and began to clang blades furiously with him, trying to ignore the furiously protesting wound in my shoulder.

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

It felt oddly subversive and pleasing to be back in my boyfriend's arms, after I hadn't spared thought for him all day. The smell of wild honey shimmered soothingly from his hair and made me content just to be hugged.

I don't think Sora will ever see me as anything other than a friend…he's too pure for that…so I should just stop fretting after him…I have everything I need in Riku, after all (okay, maybe not intelligence or Sora's pouting sexiness). I've pined after Sora my whole life, so I just need to kick back and relax in Riku's ample arms…

But somehow, it just doesn't seem right…it makes me feel dirty, somehow, to be with Riku…it's probably just my imagination, since I've never seen a more cheerful person.

As I lazily drifted my eyes opened, I was shocked to see a large, red-eyed moose Heartless with fangs hoofing the ground as if it were about to charge us.

I hugged my boyfriend to my chest. "Riku! Look behind us!"

"What?" he said, looking around just in time to see the moose rampage across the terrace to our location. He leapt in the air with me still in his arms and fired off a large wave of shadow at the moose, deforming it and erasing it from the world.

We dropped back to the ground in safety, and he let go of me lightly, and I tried to ignore the disappointment in my chest at this.

"Wow, that was sure…" I started to say, but then cut myself off with a scream when three red wheel Heartless whirled down at us, tongues extended. I Dodge Phased (a technique Riku taught me) out of the way, but Riku stayed put, glared at the Heartless, and unleashed a rather large orange slash through the air.

It did little to deter the wheel monsters, however, and they plummeted straight towards him. "RIKU!" I screamed as the leader wrapped its tongue around Riku's lithe frame, swallowing him whole. The other two wheels joined shoulder-to-shoulder to contain him.

I swallowed, realizing it was up to me to rescue him. I dashed up in seeming slow motion, unsure of what to do. If only Sora was here, I thought, panicky.

'No Kairi, you don't need your childhood crush for everything, do you? Let it go…let _him_ go!' My inner voice told me. I frowned. Let him go? That phrase stung like killer bees stabbing my throat! There's no way I could ever do that…even if he won't ever like me…let alone love me…

I squeezed me eyes together, nearing the revolving wheels containing my boyfriend, screamed out in raw frustration, and bashed my Keyblade down, back up, and around in several small, concentric circles I had no idea I could properly unleash.

A geyser of blood erupted from the Heartless trio, and I screamed and tried (futilely) to shield myself from the downpour.

I looked down at my hands, and they were completely caked with blood. Looking up, I saw Riku standing, grinning, in the middle of the carnage before the Heartless corpses disappeared into black clouds. It was strange, but I felt strangely guilty…it's not that I have ANY feelings whatsoever for the Heartless, but…it just felt horrible to end their lives so suddenly…so FINALLY…

It took me a minute to realize why that bothered me so much, the finality of death. Then I realized, I don't want anything to be final…especially things concerning a certain fawning adoration I have of a certain black-garbed hunk I know. I have to believe that some things ARE still uncertain!

"Kairi! Are you alright?" Riku said, dashing towards me with concern in his eyes.

"Y-y…" I tried to speak but the out-of-control thoughts spinning in my head prevented my tongue from cooperating.

Two massive hornet Heartless touched down in front of us, the rapid flapping of their wings causing the grass to blow in a blur.

"Oh my god, if we don't cut through these Heartless soon, then blah-blah-blah, blah-BLAH-blah-blah!" Riku said, adopting a battle stance.

I blinked. "Riku, dear, that wasn't a complete thought."

He shook his head brusquely. "I just figured you'd know what I was getting at." He looked over at me and his eyes clouded with worry. "Hey…are you sure you're okay?"

I nodded with false bravado. I didn't really know if I had it in me to fight any more of these gigantic monsters.

"Listen, just hold onto my hand tightly and keep pressing the X Button, we'll come out of this okay, you'll see!" Riku said. I decided to let the nonsensical phrase go and began swinging madly at the bee things beside him.

* * *

(_Riku's POV_)

Two woots for Kairi's sexy body! WOW does her hourglass shape stretch and contract sensually when she's fighting. What a bangable babe! And the best part of all is, she doesn't know it!

Man, I would cut out my left eye to spend the rest of my life for her. She's the most flawless girl I've ever met.

I cleared my throat, unsure of where to start. "Uh, Kairi, can I tell you something?"

"Go for it Riku, never mind that we're fighting for our lives against overgrown garden insects," Kairi growled, a noise that caused a pleasant prickly feeling in my crotch. I almost giggled from it, actually.

"Kairi, you're so high on my list of girls I want to date that, that…" I paused to contemplate a fitting simile. "All other girls are like drooling worms next to you!"

Kairi froze in mid slash and looked at me curiously. "Wow, that was strangely romantic," she said with much more warmth in her voice. This also gave unfettered pleasures to said region of my person. "I guess it's a good thing that we're dating then, eh?"

I decapitated the bee in front of me and it sputtered out into oblivion. Then I turned to Kairi and knelt down on one knee. "Kairi, I know this is horrible timing, but…I just can't stand to wait any longer."

Kairi managed to knock her foe away and then jumped when she saw me down on my knee. (Understandable, of course, since she was getting a NICE view of my sexy cleavage) "Riku!! I-I…"

"Kairi, I love you SO much…" I began, delving into a speech I had been preparing for the last two weeks.

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

The fox-man quickly proved to be a very able swordsman. Even after unleashing my most complicated fencing patterns, he always seemed to be able to come up with the perfect counterattack.

Granted, my wound was slowing me down a bit, and he hadn't given me the slightest chance to heal myself. My magic was running low anyway.

However, clearly swordplay wasn't getting us anywhere. I glared at my opponent and launched my most powerful ice spell. His eyes widened briefly, but he whipped out a silvery velvet cloak, which absorbed the blast completely.

"Damn," I muttered. "Who are you, anyway?"

"I see no need to divulge my name to a lowly servant of Prince John," he sneered, "although I do admit you have an impressive mastery of fighting with the sword."

My headache was beginning to catch up with the pain in my shoulder, so I wasn't much in the mood for further conversing. "You're not bad yourself, fox boy. Just surrender yourself so we can get this over with. The only thing I care about is getting my friends out of here alive!"

His eyes darted behind me. "The two who are about to engage in betrothement, you mean?" Faster than I would faint at the sight of Kairi in a bikini, I whipped my head around. "That certainly would be awkward," the fox bastard said with a chuckle.

My jaw dropped along with the implosion of my heart. All power to speak quickly was zapped from my throat at the sight…Riku was on one knee, obviously proposing to a blushing Kairi. Never had I seen a more fatal vision than this! The pain I felt then was indescribable – my mind going through a strainer would probably be more pleasant. I wanted to scream. I wanted to kill Riku. I wanted to kill myself! I could feel my grips on reality slip away as Kairi wordlessly turn her head and look at me, her dark eyes barely holding me in this plane of reality.

Why was she looking at me? Well, I clearly couldn't take my eyes of her, so that might have had something to do with it…

The wave of sorrow that was rapidly overtaking me was crushing me, and the turbulent sobs forming in my throat forbid me to breathe at all. KAIRI!! I couldn't believe it at all.

Suddenly the world went black and I was knocked over onto my back. My body went completely limp and I vaguely heard voices above me. "Nice one, Friar Tuck," the fox said. "That guy was trouble. Stun him, but keep him alive, I have a feeling he could be useful in the future."

"Why, it was no trouble at all, my good friend," a deep but kindly voice said. "Little John and other troops are in position to capture the two others as well."

Two others? That could only mean…

I began to wrestle against the thick skin bag I seemed to find myself in. A force suddenly landed directly on my neck and knocked me back into the ground, hard. Before I knew it, I felt a needle pierce my skin through the bag and as much as I tried to fight it, I left this world completely, abandoning it to dark, unsettling dreams.

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

Riku was going on with a frankly quite flattering speech about his unwavering love for me, and I was so embarrassed that I couldn't do anything but break eye contact with him. Half of me was tired of all this uncertainty and just wanted to give into my overbearing boyfriend…but the other half wondered if I really didn't have any future with Sora. I know I would be happy with Riku, but with Sora I would be in permanent bliss. My eyes flicked over to Sora uncontrollably, and the sight I saw was forever cemented in my mind.

Sora looked worse than I'd ever seen anyone; his face was transfixed in an entirely disturbing frame of the utmost horror, and his eyes were boring into mine, seeming to beg endlessly for something. What was wrong with him? It was…a quite ugly sight, to be sure. Not that he, himself was ugly, but his countenance was being consumed by a darkness so overwhelming that his face seemed to reject it altogether, strangely disfiguring his face. It was like a really, really bad hallucination.

I froze, unable to look away from his brilliantly expressive eyes, the most shocking part of the whole macabre portrait of my lifelong crush.

"Kairi?" Riku whispered, looking up at me with his luscious eyes.

"Riku," I said, looking back at him with concern. "This really isn't the best time…can we talk lat-AUGH!" I screamed as something suddenly pierced me in the chest.

"Kairi! You've been hit!" Riku cried. Hit? It certainly didn't feel like I'd been punched… my arm fell to the source of the intense pain. Oh…it was an arrow. I see what he meant. Now I feel dumb.

I groaned uncontrollably and dropped to my knees. "Riku, it's…I-I can't move!" I whispered. Dear god, I'm so useless!

"It must be a stun dart," Riku said, hopping to his feet. "Don't worry, I'll protect you, my gorgeous sugar plum!"

"Thanks, Riku, I…protect Sora too, ok?" I managed to whisper before my mind failed me completely and I collapsed face-first in the dirt.

* * *

(_Riku's POV)_

I looked down at Kairi's limp body with concern (and only slight orgasm). Well fainting wasn't EXACTLY the result I was hoping for with my proposal, but it was one that could be expected. Kidding of course. This is serious – Kairi's tit has been punctured by an arrow! The culprit is going to wish they had never been born, I'll see to it!

I whirled around, incensed…but my incensory quickly turned to stunned surprise when I saw that I was surrounded by humanoid animals. "Well this is gay," I said, eyeing the drawn swords all pointed at me. Sure, I could destroy them in seconds with a mere Dark Aura or Midnight Assault, but there's no way I could let loose one of those without grinding my ridiculously gorgeous girlfriend to pieces! What a pickle.

The (very) fat bear who seemed to be in charge stepped forward. "We have you surrounded. Give up your weapon and you won't be harmed."

"NEVER!" I announced, shocking myself. "I don't surrender to terrorists, even fat ones!"

The bear's eye twitched.

A goat next to him bleated, "C'mon Little John, we can take him! Look at his eyes, they're blood-red! He's clearly too evil to be trusted!"

I cocked an eyebrow at the bear. "'Little John?' I can only assume that's referring to the size of your downstairs steeple, my man."

"You know, Cletus, I might be inclined to agree with you just this once!" Little John growled and lunged at me.

"Whoops!" I sang, jumping up into the air and shooting an array of dark bolts into the fray. "Cletus is definitely an even worse name!" I informed the goat before slicing through the air with my personalized Keyblade, eviscerating his body to shreds.

The others crowded in on me in an instant, and I let the darkness take over. I succumbed to my innermost bloodlust, but not enough to let Xehanort take control…

When I came to, I looked with pride among the sliced-up animals around me, painting the grass blades with blood of the simply loveliest color. A scream or two of outrage shook me from my art-ogling and I calmly noted two frothing-at-the-mouth black bears run at me.

"GRAVITY!" I cast, and they collapsed flat onto the ground by their own weight. As I was about to do them in, I noticed suddenly that something seemed off. I looked around speedily and noticed that Kairi, my love and future fiancée was completely gone!

"NOOOOOO! Damn you all, what have you done with Kairi?!" I screamed, and my world turned red. "Darkness come unto me! Bow before the hand of your master!" I roared, upturning my palm to the sky, which became a pleasant shade of black.

"HHRRAAAARRRGH!!" I roared, creating a cyclone of dark fury and using it to eradicate everyone on the battlefield.

"DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I whipped around at inhuman speeds, coming to a complete stop when I recognized the outstretched palm of Prince John.

"J-Johnny Boy!" I said, jolting back into my mental rocking chair and collapsing on the ground. "Th-they've taken Kairi!"

"I know, son…I know," the noble lioness man said. OH, such wisdom! "But you've killed…EVERYone here! There is nothing left to find here…we must return to my castle and regroup. Many of my guard were killed in the battle."

"Y…yes, your majesty," I whispered, bowing my head to the ground and kissing his slimy toes. Tasted kinda like Cracker Jacks. Heehee!

"Now…we must wait for them to make a move…" he said, noble eyes scanning the forest darkly.

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

(_Deep in Sherwood Forest_)

Wheels lurching.

A murmur of general discontent.

The beating of hundreds of insect wings.

And a feeling of dread and darkness.

These were the things I sensed about my immediate surroundings as I blinked my bleary eyes open what seemed like moments after my fall and apparent capture. I thoroughly felt like shit; from falling in battle to a band of renegades and Heartless; for failing to protect Kairi; because of the drugs pumping through my weakened body; and most of all, because I had failed as a friend.

Friendship has always been extremely important to me…in fact, it's the highest in the list of morals I try to abide by in everyday life.

But I betrayed that most sacred of tenets today when I was shocked, no, disgusted by Riku's proposal to Kairi. Some friend I am. I don't deserve to even come to the wedding.

No matter how hard I try to suppress it, I feel nothing but anger at Riku and uncontrollable, bubbling adoration for Kairi. Every time she comes into my mind, I just want to wrap my arms around her in a pool of steamy water, soaking up her presence and having her all to myself.

But that dream is getting further and further away now.

Wait a second…Kairi!

It occurred to me that she was supposed to have been captured as well, so I forced my eyes to concentrate (despite my grinding headache) and looked around for my one and only; a search that didn't last long, since I turned to my left to find her bound, sleeping form.

Dear KING MICKEY, does she look gorgeous when she sleeps.

I quickly felt guilty for staring at her when she couldn't defend herself, especially since she's now engaged to Riku. However, surely there's no way she could find out if she's unconscious, right?

So I allowed my eyes to trail lovingly (but guiltily) down her body, adoring every inch of her flawlessly sculpted figure. Her clothes were so thin that I could easily picture what was underneath…but I held back from doing so, since that would raise my desire for her to VERY unhealthy heights.

When I flicked my eyes across her chest, not wanting to be a pervert, I had to make a double take. There was a massive arrow sticking out of her left breast! I started, and then tried to get up in vain, due to the binds around my arms and legs.

"Hey, Rob!" a raccoon soldier above me said to someone at the front of the rickety wagon.

"…What is it?"

"The prisoner's up and causin' trouble!"

"Am not!" I hissed, and immediately stabilized my movements.

Before I knew it, the fox-looking fiend who got me in this predicament swooped back to Kairi and I's hold and grinned malevolently. "Ah, if it isn't Prince John's prized fighter. You are up much sooner than I expected, but then, it seems that you are a wolf most full of surprises, are you not, Mister…?"

"Sora," I said as calmly as I could despite the headache and toxins working against my mind. I took a deep breath. "Listen, I don't want to cause any trouble, but this girl here is being poisoned by that venomous arrow, and she will die if you don't let me cure her!" (Of us three Keyblade warriors, I am the most accomplished in the Healing Arts)

The band of animals all snickered down at me. "HEAL?! And why should we let you help her recover? She is the enemy, after all, and better off dead so as to not complicate our plans."

"NO!" I shouted, surprising myself and the fox, apparently. "I – she…is very, VERY dear to me," I said with as much sincerity as I could muster. "You HAVE to let me help her! I'll forfeit my own life to save her."

Rob raised his eyebrows. "Ah, yes, I remember…" I cocked an eyebrow at this statement that seemingly came out of nowhere. He contemplated for a moment, and then nodded his head decisively. "Alright then, you have my permission to cure her."

"But Rob!" a very large brown bear started, but Rob cut him off.

"I'll stop the cart and allow you to heal her." I grinned in gratidute. "But only on the condition that you both are willing to do something for me in the near future."

"Alright, that's fine!" I assured the Heartless' ally.

"You don't even want to hear what it is you'll be doing?" Rob said in surprise.

"No task is too great for the sake of Kairi. She is my sky, my earth, and everything in between. I live only for her!" I said earnestly. I blushed when several female animals around me "Awwwhed" quite simperingly.

"Alright, alright enough with that overdramatic nonsense before you make me change my mind!" Rob said with a wince. He signaled the drivers and before I knew it, we had come to a halt in a grass clearing.

The binds on my feet were cut so I could get up and walk around. I stood up, hunching over so I wouldn't disrupt my caged prison. "Umm, could I get my arms freed as well? I'll need them for the curing process."

A goat looked at Rob for the go-ahead, and he nodded his affirmation. After I was completely freed up and the door to the prison was unlocked, Rob put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm only doing this for you because I understand what you're going through with her," he whispered in my ear so that only I could hear. "And because of the nature of her injury, I'll let you walk a bit away from the wagon to get some privacy." I blushed very deeply when I thought about the implications of the word 'privacy.' "But if you try any funny business…anything at all!...I'll have your head impaled on my sword and sent to Prince John as a gift, do I make myself clear?"

"Yup," I said honestly. I didn't have any plans to act against my captors…he had made good of his word so far. The thing was, this person was very likely the Robin Hood that I had signed myself into killing, so our mutual amicability would only be short term.

I stooped and picked up Kairi, trying not to think about how exquisite her soft, petite frame felt in my arms (and failing miserably), and warily stalked off the wagon, aware that all eyes were on me and the radiant beauty in my arms. My longing for her was so intense at this point that I could feel its almost tangible form in my throat, haunting my every movement.

How in Hades' anus am I going to get through this process?! I shivered as I tried not to think about exactly how much contact I was going to have to have with Kairi's breast in the next few minutes of my miserable existence.

* * *

A/N: I hope you liked it! The madness continues next chapter, which IS complete, just...not yet posted. Cuz It's not on me at the moment...heheh.


	3. A Visit To The Doctor

(A/N) Oooh, by the way, these last two chapters have been beta'd by my close friend, ColorfulCheerios! :)

And here's, as promised, the latest in the adventures of Sora, Riku, and Kairi! :P

P.S. A word of warning, this chapter (and the next) has intense amounts of blood...i wouldn't advice reading if you're squeamish!

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

It didn't seem like too long before I was woken up to a very soothing, cradling feeling. "Sora…" I whispered, since the arms felt just like his (and I desperately wanted it to be him).

Immediately after I said that the rhythmic massage stopped and I plummeted straight to the ground, landing with a grunt. "AUGH!!" I said, arching my back from the pain.

I heard my carrier swear under his breath, and then he leaned down near me. It was Sora, I could tell by his scent. I can't believe that bastard dropped me! "Kairi! Kairi, are you alright! I'm so sorry, I'm so, so, so, so, so, SO sorry!"

"It's alright, don't worry about it," I said faintly, although inside I cursed him for dropping me like a moron. I squinted my eyes open and was immediately thankful for the thick trees blocking out the sun.

"You just startled me is all," Sora said with a very warm smile that melted all my harsh feelings away. "I didn't know you were awake! I'm really, really, really sorry!"

"No, it really _is_ alright," I said, seriously this time, and I returned his sweet smile. "But my boob is KILLING me, what…" I looked down and the giant arrow in my tit was enough to jog my memory. "Oh!" Wow, I'm a retard.

Sora knelt down next to me and put his arm behind my upper back, propping me up. The contact was soothing enough to counteract the pain from the arrow. I looked up at Sora, whose wolfen face was now just inches from mine. I grinned some more at the close face time I was getting with the most gorgeous man to have ever been born.

"So…where are we?" I asked, drinking up the warmth in his eyes. Never before had I felt more secure than during his soothing gaze at that moment. "Did you rescue me?" My eyes fluttered in embarrassment and I looked down.

"No, unfortunately," he said smoothly. "Robin Hood allowed me some time to try and heal you, after I begged for a while. And, I frankly have as much of a clue as to where we are as you do."

"Wow, that was really nice of you!!" I said, with as much appreciation as I could possibly inject into my voice. "Oh, and Robin, too." I thought. Then a question occurred to me."But if he's with the Heartless, then why would he help us out?"

"That's a good question, but for now we've really gotta get this out of you!" Sora said, narrowing his eyes in seriousness. His finger lined the edge of the arrow, and I bit my lip at the vibrations sent directly into my nerves. "This arrow is tipped with Neroxian Powder Venom, which is deadly within hours!"

"Oh my god!" I said, clutching his hands and looking directly into the core of his eyes. "So I'm going to die?!"

"Not if I can help it," Sora murmured, a sound that forced me to gulp down my desire to ravage him immediately. "The good news is, I have the ability to cure the damage that has been done, and to neutralize the remaining poison."

"Great, so that means I'll be cured?"

"If…everything goes according to plan, then, yes!" Sora said, looking at my breast. Normally I would have scolded him, but under the circumstances, I was content to let him ogle it all he wanted… come to think of it, I probably wouldn't mind if Sora checked me out every chance he got.

"I see. I put all my fate in your able hands then!" I said encouragingly, sticking out my chest so he could have a go at it (and I mean that in the cleanest way possible, of course). Wait…"Then what's the bad news?"

Sora looked around very nervously. "Um, yeah…to do this I'm going to have to…um…take off your shirt…" He looked up into my eyes. "I'm sorry!"

I exhaled in relief. Sora's so cute, any other guy would be totally ecstatic to have an excuse to see some free boobs. He's clearly one-of-a-kind…

I smiled at him. "Don't worry, I trust you. You can touch my boobs as much as you need."

Sora balked and went white in the face. "A-a-are you sure? I mean, is it really okay?"

I put an arm on his hand. "Hey, it's my life that's at stake, isn't it? And besides, I trust you more than any guy I know, okay? Don't worry about it!" I smiled reassuringly. I was totally psyched that I was going to be momentarily groped by my crush since forever. I had to hold in a very strong impulse to giggle and hug him.

"Okay, here goes," Sora said, clearing his throat and putting his impenetrable serious look on again. First he straightened himself out so that his legs were draped across mine as he hovered over my chest. (I have a certain fetish for leg contact, so this didn't help my horniness at all) He lowered his left hand slowly and rested it on my collarbone, causing me to breathe in to soak up the comfort it nurtured into me. I settled myself in for a very pleasurable experience. He gently cut through my tunic with the tip of his keyblade, and peeled the fabric forward so that my breasts were exposed. I looked as lovingly as possible in his eyes, looking for any sign of attraction in them. But all I saw was his iron resolve and calm, which made me feel all the more safe beneath him.

* * *

(_Riku's POV_)

So, a weird thing happened today when I was watching the sunset. (Okay, I'll admit that was weird in itself…but I had momentarily tasked myself with decoding the clouds in the sky in the hopes that answers might be made known to me about where I came from…how I came to be on the Destiny Islands. Why not here? How would my life have turned out differently were I raised here? Well! You'll be happy to know that I came to the conclusion that the stork was overdosing on all sorts of crazy opium and company and crash-landed into my mother's womb…or…however it is that babies come about. I hope to figure that out someday…SOB!!)

Anyway, where the hell was I? Oh yeah. Cloud/storkwatching. So I was doing as such when suddenly, a really weird ball came flying up out of the courtyard below and hit me on the nose. I blinked at the sudden surprise and, being a fan of sports and the like, stooped down to pick the intrusive ball up!

You're not gonna believe this!! Did you know that it had FEATHERS on its butt? At least I think it was its butt. Most objects with feathers don't have them on their head. OH CRAP, except for the Indians!!

As I was musing about all the possible implications, explanations, and realizations co-dependent on my feather-butted ball, I heard frantic footsteps coming up to my left.

A gorgeous girl fox (who was bustier than heck! Who'd've thunk there would be a gorgeous hottie in THIS world!) raced up the steps, her breasts heaving fascinatingly as she did so.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, gallant sir! I didn't mean to disrupt you," she said with a courtesy.

"You can disrupt me ANYtime!" I imparted upon her. "And please, get up! I'm like the most manner-less knight ever! Oh! And here's your crossdressing ball back."

"Oh! Thanks so much!" the girl said, taking it from me with a sweet smile. "My name's Marian, by the way. Who are you?"

"Ah, I am Sir Riku the White!" I regaled. "But!! You can call me Riku," I let her know with a wink.

"Sir Riku, your reputation precedes you!" Marian said, smiling bashfully. "I had heard tell of your looks, but I never imagined you so royally handsome!"

"Why thanks!" I said, beaming. "You're not too bad yourself, Miss Marian."

"So! Have you come to rescue me?" She said excitedly. "How I long to be rescued by a gallant fox who wants to save the kingdom!"

"Er…of course I have!" I proclaimed. "I will do all in my power to rescue you, your grace!" I said with a low bow. A shuffle of footsteps resounded down the hallway, and I immediately drew my sword.

"Riku? What is it?"

I grunted my lack of knowing. "But I'm gonna find out. Something feels weird!" I looked back at her with a wink. "You should probably stay here. I'll be back, gorgeous!"

She gasped at my perfectly-structured compliment and smiled. "Okay! I'll be waiting for you, my beloved knight!"

As I began to stride off, she put a warm hand on my shoulder. "Wait!! Here, take this," she said, reaching down her shirt and pulling out a hanky that had just been touching her boob. Now that's sexy!

"Thanks so much!" I said sweetly, sniffing it deeply and running off towards the sounds that were bothering me so much.

The hallway twisted into a stairwell I was unfamiliar with. Shrugging, I dashed across a bridge with a great overlook onto the countryside and into another wing of the castle.

Suddenly, I heard another shuffle of footsteps. What was going on? I narrowed my eyes and dashed after the sound, ignoring the pounding feeling of dread in my chest.

I rounded the corner and bumped into the last person I expected to see – Kairi!

"Hey, my sweet cupid bolt!! How did you get here! I missed you so m…huh?" I stopped when she backed jerkily away from my welcoming touch.

"Get away from me!" Kairi cried, clearly very upset. "I saw the way you were flirting with that fox girl just a second ago! I though… GASP! I thought you were different than other men!"

Uh-oh. Damage control time!! "Oh, that wasn't…I only just met her and…WAIT, Kairi, come back!" I cried as she took off again.

What the heck?

I ran after her quickened pace through an armory, and then deeper into the dungeon. Jeez, why would she go into a creepy place like this?

"How can I trust you when you go off after every bimbo you meet? I would NEVER cheat on you, and yet the same DAY you propose to me, you try to bang a random girl you just met!"

"Kairi, NO! I would never!" I yelled, frantically trying to catch up with her. "I love you more than anything!! I would die to protect you! You are the brightest star in my sky! PLEASE, I beg of you, slow down so we can talk this through!"

"I don't want to see you anymore!" Kairi cried from down a short stairwell.

"WHAT?!" I yelled in desperation as I tumbled down after her. The castle changed dramatically, suddenly adopting a pulsating, ominous red glow. I shivered at the sight…if I didn't know better, it looked like Kairi was leading me deeper and deeper into hell.

"You know what I mean!" she said angrily from a room around a nook in the small hill I ran down. "I don't want to date you, anymore!!"

"No…" I whispered. "NO!!" I whipped out my Keyblade, plunged it deep into the smoldering earth, and blasted my way down to where she was.

Where…she…was? I looked around. Everything felt completely wrong. This dungeon was designed not just for keeping someone, but…torturing them.

I looked at the Kairi and my breath caught at the alien expression on her face. This was very clearly not the girl I'd sworn my heart to.

"Who…are you?"

"My name is Madam Prioresse," she said, suddenly morphing from Kairi's foxy frame to that of a humanoid snake, and then to an astonishingly grotesque caricature of a warthog. I gasped again at the terrifying sight. "But you can call me…Kairi!" she laughed gutterally, spewing molten black smoke into my face as she talked.

I growled and adopted a battle stance. "I'm not gonna call you anything but my bitch, BITCH!"

The fat being laughed an insidious laugh and gestured below me. "The chains have already grown fond of your feet, Sir Knight," she grunted in a barely discernable vocal pattern. "Come now! Have a SEAT!!" she laughed as she pushed me back into a chair that seemed to appear out of thin air.

"Wh-what?!" I cried. "What is going on?!" I looked frantically around as the chains rapidly coiled around my body, holding me tight in place.

"This, RIKU, is a bleeding house, and I am going to be your hostess! Aren't you excited!" the dark being coughed.

"Yeah!" I said with an eager grin. "What goes on at a bleeding house?"

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

OH MY GOD!!

So I've decided that Karma does exist, and has a sense of humor at that. When I wished I could be far away from Kairi, I ended up on top of her, with her legs between mine. And when I decided to go ahead and ogle her when she was sleeping, her breasts, which ideally are so sacred that they should NEVER be viewed by mortals, ended up in plain view right in front of me.

Universe…you're a jerk.

It was all I could do to maintain composure and a semblance of calm when on the inside I was flipping out. I love Kairi, but she ONLY sees me as a friend. Fair enough. But that's definitely NOT cool when she is TRUSTING me with honoring her dignity WHILE touching her breasts nonstop. If I was gay, this wouldn't be a problem at all. However, since I'm not…

Well, let's just say I was freaked out.

"Okay," I said in a shaky voice befitting a 4-year-old. I rested my hindquarters on her thick, VERY sexy thigh to steady myself, hoping she wouldn't notice my natural indication of interest in the situation. "First I'm going to cast Curaga, which should heal the small physical damage, and neutralize some of the pain."

"Okay," Kairi said with a beautiful smile and that look in her eyes that says, 'I trust you SOO much.' Ordinarily I would've been quite honored to receive that look from her. But now it seems alien in so many ways.

So I forced myself to focus and cast Cure magic concentrated on the area. The redness and some of the swelling went smoothly away.

"Okay, here's where it gets tricky," I said, looking deep into her eyes to try and convey how painful this was for me. I took out a small, green probe. "The next step is to take out the arrow."

"Rock on! Let's do it," Kairi said, pumping her fists with an adorable grin.

"I will, but the thing is, we can't let any trace of it remain inside you!" I said. "That's where this device comes in." Kairi nodded to show she understood. "This is a magical medicine tool called a Moletica Ginra. It will stretch out your actual wound to the size we need to extract the arrow, but will restore its actual diameter without any damage once we remove it. Sound good?"

"Yes, but…where did you learn all this stuff?"

I smiled down at her, realizing how easy it would be to kiss her if I was brave. "I studied under a lady named Aerith for a time; she was a master of Healing Arts."

"Oh, I see." Kairi, said, her face falling.

"What? Is something wrong?" I asked, concerned.

"Oh no, I'm good," she said, her eyes assuring me so. "Let's do this!"

"Alright, I said shakily, lowering my hand to rest on…her breast. I squinted and tried to maintain a mockery of work ethic while I situated the Moletica Ginra, but…WOW. I can't believe I'm actually touching Kairi's firm, gorgeous, flexible breast! My brain nearly short-circuited from the torture. I let out a hiss of air and secured the probe, then placed both my hands on her wounded breast.

Images of all the unsavory, perverted things I felt like doing at that moment assaulted my already injured mind…wow, if she knew the thoughts that were going through my head right now…this is definitely the WORST experience of my ENTIRE life! The only upside was that it wasn't actually her REAL breast, just a red-furred transformation of it.

The problem was, I'd never felt one before, and I certainly didn't want my first experience to be feeling the off-limits, engaged, drop-dead-gorgeous best friend whom I want to spend the rest of my life with but just thinks of me as a trustworthy guy.

This. Is. A. Nightmare!!

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

Unnnnnnngggghhh!! So good!! This is the most intensely sexual moment of my life!

* * *

(_Riku's POV_)

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhh!! This is so ridiculously MESSED UP!! THE FREAKING PAIN!!

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

Wow, this is so ridiculously hot!

Okay, I know Sora doesn't like me…but this is really much too sexy an opportunity to pass up. By this point my downstairs was wetter than a soggy starfish.

Having Sora's face this dangerously close to snogging me was seriously the best experience ever. And the way his hands delicately, sweetly touch me is like getting a massage from a master! Giggle

I hope he didn't get TOO close to this Aerith person when he was studying under her…GASP! maybe that's why he's afraid to commit to a relationship with me! Maybe he's already going out with her!

I bet she's much hotter than me to get Sora to work with her for a long time…the prissy, stuck-up bitch!

Ahem, anyway, I resolved myself to just soak up the pleasure as my would-be boyfriend did his thing. I held my breath as he lifted the arrow out of the manmade crevasse in my breast, and I stared in shock at the tip of the thing; it was covered in green goo!

"Oh shit, THAT was in me!?" I cried.

"Sh-sh-shh, calm down," Sora said softly, and I found it impossible to disobey. "I think we're gonna make it through okay."

I looked at his brow and smirked. "You're sweating! Aren't you concentrating a little too hard?!

Sora smirked back. "Hey, this is MUCH harder than it looks!"

"Not as hard as you are right now, I'd bet," I sneered jokingly. I looked up into his wide eyes and realized with a jolt that I'd said that out loud. "Ohmigod! I didn't mean to say that!"

He sighed and shook his head. "No, I'm sorry…I shouldn't be letting my thoughts go in that direction."

What?

"_What?_" I said, squinting up at him. I felt a rush of intense passion explode up from my chest into my head, and I sat up a little, thrusting my face into his.

"What do you mean, what?" Sora said, looking a lot like a bunny about to be eaten by a wolf.

"What direction, exactly, were your thoughts going to make you so turned on?" I whispered, wrapping an arm around him. Hell, what AM I doing? But he's SO gorgeous, and it just feels ridiculously RIGHT to have him in my arm, and in my embrace…

* * *

(_Riku's POV_)

"So, like, how much longer is this going to take?" I said quite lackadaisically to my butt-ugly host. "I mean, I'm bleeding in more holes than I thought covered my body here. That is, I don't wanna rush you or nothing…"

"SHUT UP!! You miserable cunt!" the pig lady farted.

"You see, that's exactly the kind of language that people need to think about before using," I imparted to her as she impaled a rod in my chest, shearing out countless drops of blood. "For instance, you should at least call me, like, a miserable testicle or something. Then we're at least in a plane of realism."

"No, you're a miserable cunt and a miserable puss to boot!"

"Hmm, seems like someone's got female reproductive glands on the brain!" I teased as she inserted a rod through the top of my skull, dyeing my white locks with crimson. "So is this like a first date for you or something? Because I confess, I'm much more cuddly and stuff when my hands are free so I can explore all your pleasure centers and the like!"

"I work for Prince John and Prince John alone!" she snorted, launching a gob of snot directly at me.

"Ahh, so then are you having a secret love affair with the prince? That sounds delicious! Good for you to land such a credible man! He's a real sweetheart, I know you two will get along swell!" I said, winking at her (although I bet she DIDN"T EVEN _NOTICE_!!)

She stared me stone cold in the face and said. "You. Will. Never. Amount. To. ANYTHING!! Get used to it, wiseguy!"

"Ouch," I said as she inserted one into my calf, (no, not the baby cow!! My leg, silly) jetting out a geyser of blood. "I don't even think you were IN the Disney movie, were you? Or maybe you were just in the deleted scenes? OOH, I know, are you related to Pumbaa?"

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

Well this is a bizarre turn of events!

I've been caught being a pervert, but Kairi's acting REALLY strange about it…maybe she does like me a little? Or else she's just getting enjoyment out of torturing me (and the torture is great, I might add).

"Um!" I started, and put my arms around her. Wow, if carrying her earlier felt great, this felt like a dream. The pleasure circuits went off in the far corners of my mind. "I'd think it should be obvious why I'm turned on!" I brushed a lock of her dark red hair out of her eyes. "I mean, it's _you_…there's no one else that could make me feel this way!"

Kairi gasped, her eyes wide, but she didn't pull away. She took a deep breath and mouthed, "Kiss me!"

I blinked. Did she just say what I think she said? "Um…Kairi, I…" I stopped when I saw her lips spreading apart imperceptibly. Oh my god this is torture! If I kiss her now…then I've forever broken the bonds of friendship, and I'll never be able to return! I'll always be opposite Riku's side!

But damn did those lips look gorgeous…and who ever gave a rat's ass about Riku anyway? I sighed, closed my eyes, and allowed my head to dip forward into her pleading mouth.

As soon as my lips brushed against her silky, smooth, soft ones, she gasped and pulled away, further shredding my heart into bleeding strips. _WHAT?!_ I was now in anguish, but continued to hold her gorgeous, frail frame.

"It…it's wrong for us to do this now…when I haven't…" She took a deep breath. "Sora, please don't misunderstand…I want you, more than anything!! But, Riku proposed to me this afternoon, and…and I still haven't settled things with him. There's just way too much stuff in the air, and if we do this now, things will get crazy and AUGH!" I silenced her by putting a finger on her lips.

"It's okay, I understand; I totally agree that things would get out of control if we did this," I said soothingly. "Let me just finish cleansing you."

She smiled up at me. "You're really amazing, Sora!"

I felt warmth rise to my face and smiled back. "Nowhere near as amazing as you!"

* * *

(_Kairi's POV_)

I'm a failure.

That was probably my only chance I'll ever have to get a go at Sora, and I blew it! Now we'll probably never kiss! But it just didn't feel…right…

Sora's deft fingers worked on my newly sensitive wound and prepared the gadget thingy he used to fire poison neutralizing agents throughout my bloodstream. He finished setting it, and it began to glow a violet color.

He leaned in close to my face and grinned, so that I melted again at his nearness. "Now we have to wait for two minutes for the procedure to finish up."

"That's not so long," I said, trying to be optimistic.

He didn't reply (Heck, I wouldn't either), but began to just very, VERY lightly, stroke my breast in a concentric pattern.

I grit my teeth from the evocative teasing and ground my fingers into the grass beneath me. God! I'm so ridiculously turned on right now! My thoughts quickly jumped to dark images of Sora biting and raping me, and my soul began to light on fire again. Wait, he just opened his mouth. He's gonna say something! Ooh, what is it, what is it, what is it!?

"Ah, you'll have to take a bath after this to finish washing off much of the surface residue," He said gently. Mmm…a bath! With him, I hope! My body seemed to respond positively to the thought, and I smiled. As soon as I break up with Riku, Sora will be mine, if I play my cards right…

I could see the disappointment in his eyes from when I turned him down. Should I tell him I love him? Clearly he _does_ have some small attraction to me…it couldn't hurt, could it? And it wouldn't _really _be betraying Riku! This way, it would ensure that me and Sora would stick together through whatever messy breakup me and Riku had, and then we could hook up…and get married…and bone every night…yes, sounds _very_ suitable to my palette. I hesitated for a moment, summoned up all my courage from my heart and desire and said in a pathetic voice, "I love you…"

* * *

(_Riku's POV_)

Fat, pimply warthog lady continued her swarthy practice of inserting several large rods into my perfect white…er, red, fur. By this point I looked like I was melting cinnamon gummibears all over. Or, to be blunt, I was caked with my own, soupy, warm blood. Which would be quite nice, besides the fact that I was now SEVERELY FREAKING DEFORMED, DYING, and, well…drenched in more blood than I thought I had.

However, I always like to make the best of things, so as the warthog pushed a particularly sharp rod directly into my lower-right back I said, "You know…I'd really like to have a word with your decorator. These green fires, the slime pits, the black stone, it's all just kind of ick! Doesn't really bring out the room's inner charm, you know?"

"GOD! Do you ever shut up?!" Miss Fancypants proclaimed.

"Not if you don't want me to, gorgeous!" I said sweetly. She responded by jamming one directly through the center of my crotch. "SO!" I said, much louder and more uncomfortably than I intended. Which was, really, quite a feat, seeing as there was no longer any opening for my mouth, just a solid glop of blood roving slowly down my face. "Anything YOU wanna talk about? Hopes? Dreams? Concerns? Secret fetishes?"

Poopyface III growled and grunted before belching out in a farttastic manner, "Tell me how this feels, pumpkin!" And with that, she pinned a rod horizontally through my neck, causing no small amount of blood to become, sadly homeless. The poor dears. I wonder what life is like as a red blood cell? Hmm…certainly far less exciting when there's no heart to pump oxygen into your center. I wonder what oxygen feels like when the cells take it in? It's probably like that one last shot of Jager that really hits the spot before you pass out…yeah…that'd be nice.

"Well, to be completely truthful," I said in a strangled voice as blood cascaded over my eyes. "It feels like a hundred Arabic virgins are dancing around, offering themselves up to me. Except they smell much more like men than women…come to think of it, I've always wondered what it would be like to have something long and hard sticking up my anus. I actually…I actually think it would feel kinda nice! Is that normal for a straight guy?" I asked her quite pleasantly.

She shrugged, "Well, I suppose everyone's a _little_ gay…" before inserting a rod directly up my buttcrack.

"Exactly!" I said excitedly. "And thanks, by the way. And that's exactly what the Republicans will never get."

* * *

(_Sora's POV_)

Wow, did she really just say that?

"I love you, Sora," she whispered, with an inner force behind it like something out of a small pocket tucked away in another universe.

I had made a huge risk in feeling her a little while I was curing her, and she seemed to reciprocate and make one for me.

I steeled myself…I couldn't afford to mess up. Not now, this might be my one chance! Kairi's the one thing that matters anymore in my life, so therefore there's only one thing I can do in this situation…

"Sora?" she said, searching my eyes with her wet gorgeous ones in the shade of the underbrush.

I looked at her for another moment, and dove down on her, kissing her as passionately as I could possibly muster. I tried to pour every ounce of adoration into each stroke of her mouth. Her mouth was so warm, and her kisses so soulful. Without warning, Kairi suddenly flipped me over onto my back and began pounding my mouth, using her tongue as a battering ram. I massaged her back to try and convey all my love and care for her.

I care for NOTHING else…she is all there is to me, anymore.

This is my first kiss…and it shall also be my last.

For I know now what I must do, since I can never have her.

Now that I have crossed the line and kissed the love of my life.

To end this cycle of darkness and suffering…to break this monstrous triangle before it takes vengeance on all of us…

I have to kill Riku.

* * *

A/N: Woohoo, cliffhangers don't come any cleaner than that, do they? :) Be sure to check in later this week for the final two installments in this search for love!


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